posted by Matt W on June 18th, 2014

I’ve been married for 26 years. Now that my wife is used to my bluntness and knows how my twisted mind works, there are a few things I will say that I wouldn’t have said early on in our eternal union. The fact that she knows I love her and I’m probably not going anywhere also works in my favor. So every once in a while something pops into my head that I would change in my life if my beloved happened to pass before I did, but is not a big enough deal or worth the fight to change currently. Recently, I have mentioned a few of them.

  • “Honey, when you die I think I am going to raise all the pictures in our house up to a level that I can appreciate.” Sixty inches to the center of the picture? Seriously, whichever designer said pictures have to be hung at freakin navel height should be “relieved of their design duties.” What’s wrong with a kid having to look up, and why does it carry more weight than me looking down? (As an aside, I always get a chuckle when MS Word’s spellcheck suggested replacement for “freakin” is “foreskin.”)
  • “While I’m at it I think I will raise all the towel bars as well.” Ditto on the towel bar height.
  • “Honey, if you happen to die before I do, the thermostat will never be set above 70 in our house again.” Truth be told, my wife would never like the temp set below 75, and awaits my passing or at least my mental passing to jack up the thermostat to some Amazonian temperature. That one I’m sure crossed her mind way before it crossed mine.
  • “Honey, when you die I am getting rid of all these stupid ramekins.” What is the point of a bowl that can’t hold a decent spoonful anyways?
  • “Dear, when you die, I’m going to raise the countertops 6 inches so I don’t get a back ache whenever I work in the kitchen.”

Notice how polite and sweet I am when passing on my matrimonial deaths thoughts? Can’t say I haven’t learned anything over the course of my marriage.

So as my life rockets along in a mostly contented way, there are things that I might look to change if I had to do it over again. So bringing up the occasional thing to potentially change if my wife happened to pass before I do, which we all know is statistically very unlikely, doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. It’s not like I am telling her what I want in my next wife or anything like that. (I’m guessing she already knows I would be looking for an excellent pie maker in my next wife, anyways, Marionberry, yum!)

God rest my current wife’s soul of course.

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