posted by Matt W on May 25th, 2011

I wish humans were as evolved as lizards. I was surfing through the channels the other night, and as is generally the case, a cool nature show caught my eye. There was this lizard that could change the color of its skin, but instead of matching to its surroundings like other chameleons, this lizard changed color depending on its mood. It is nature’s version of an 80’s mood ring. So the natural color of this lizard was brownish, but whenever it was scared it turned black to seem more imposing, whenever it was mad it turned red, and whenever it was looking to mate it turned green. How unbelievably helpful would that be in real life?

In my life, it would play out something like this. I arrive home and carefully look through the window and get that first gauge as to how the rest of my night is going to go. “Red, Shit! Birthday, no. Anniversary, no. Honeydew list, check! I forgot to paint the cabinets.” With this information, I respond appropriately, “Honey, I have a lot to do in the garage tonight. I put off painting the cabinets far too long so I am going to get right to work on those. Maybe after I’m done, I’ll run the kids to the park to get them out of your hair.” Situation diffused.

Or maybe my wife is standing in the corner, in her darkest black shade and I know that the only thing she is afraid of is spiders, I can save the day by grabbing the newspaper (really the only reason we currently get the newspaper is to kill bugs) and coming in like her brave knight, smack that sucker to death. Who knows, if it was a big enough spider, she might even turn a beautiful shade of green. I wasn’t thinking green tonight, but I am always up for green. “You turned green to hide from me. Bark like a dog you little monkey woman!” The possibilities are endless. When you walk into work and your boss is red, “Crap I forgot my presentation.” Although it might be a little awkward if he walked into your office and consistently turned green, but that would also be much needed information. So, we with our big brains are constantly guessing what mood someone is in and how it will impact our life, while this lizard with the brain the size of a pea has already figured it out. I think I might be willing to trade-in one of my opposable thumbs for that useful tool.

File Under King of the Castle