posted by Matt W on January 16th, 2013

The other day, I was driving down the road past the local hardware store. Hardware stores that aren’t Home Depot or Lowes are always interesting to me. How do they actually survive when competing against the big box stores?  I guess with good customer service and by offering specialty products. As I drove by, I read their digital reader board, “Purina 12% Horse Feed on sale.” An animal that is 12% horse, I’m intrigued. They really do offer specialty products there.

So, a mule is 50% horse and 50% donkey. As they are bred together, the math makes sense to me. So how do they make a 12% horse? My mind races to do the math. That’s about an 1/8th horse. Then Dolly the cloned sheep enters my mind and I’m intrigued by the 88% sheep, 12% horse that scientists must have created in the lab. You certainly wouldn’t need one of those sheepskin pads under your saddle you sometimes see in the movies.

Then the next thought races through my mind; maybe its dog food that is 12% horse meat. While I’m sure that stuff like that happens, are there really enough horse haters out there to advertise that the food contains horse? “Yes you heard it right 12% horse in our brand. And for all you cat haters out there, we also added 4% Siamese.” I go back to my sheep theory.

So I get back to work, turn on my computer, and type in, “Purina 12% horse”, and click enter. All sorts of horse FEEDS with 12% PROTEIN by weight pop up on the screen. How disappointing.

So now even horses are on specialty diets. I have actually seen a horse eat oats, an apple, a sugar cube, alfalfa, and whatever they happen to be eating in the fields on the ground as I drive by. So what do they have to add to horse food to make it more balanced?  As I am assuming horses are typically vegetarians (except in scary B movies), I am going with a nice Greek yogurt, or maybe tofu if they are hard-core vegans. My guess is it’s not horse meat; that’s a little disturbing. I go back to the sheep theory because now I’m bored.

As I ponder all the really cool animals I can create in my mind that are 12% horse (lion/horse, lizard/horse, oh my gosh falcon/lizard/horse), I realize that I haven’t actually thought like this in a while. Our brains are programmed as adults to be drawn to the most logical explanation and rarely does my brain jump to 12% horse species before it more logically goes to the types of Purina horse chows offered.  So, I was given the gift of the mind of a kindergartener for a few minutes the other day and it was nice. Now there’s a thought, I need to talk to a grade school kid and we could come up with some awesome 12% horse species. I could probably keep up for a few minutes as I’ve had a few days to come up with ideas.

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