posted by Matt W on April 29th, 2015

I am a Vegetarian… by marriage.

Years ago my wife read a couple of books about the evils of the meat industry, and becoming a vegetarian, and for the last 15 years or so she has been a vegetarian. When we moved to Tennessee and she realized they really only eat meat here, and have no other healthy forms of reasonably priced protein, especially at restaurants, she started to occasionally eat fish. So for the last 15 years I have tried to make healthy meals that my wife will also eat; so I am also pretty much a vegetarian. And while I occasionally eat meat, especially when out, if anyone asks whether I eat meat my response is always, “I am a vegetarian… by marriage.”

So over  these past 15 years of vegetarianism, my wife will read the occasional diet book (and as she is a thin vegetarian, I can only assume it is because of her fat husband, thanks dear), and introduce another wrench into my cooking routine. Juicing, Palio (vegetarian, I didn’t get it either), low fat, no sugar, no gluten, you name it, she has read the book and WE have tried it (whether I have wanted to or not). I have always had mercy on my kids and tried to make them something the rest of the world considers reasonable, but have usually tried my wife’s new plan. So this time it is a no carb, especially sugar carb diet. It has exceptions for high fiber carb food like veggies, blah, blah, blah, but basically there is no sugar (any form) or any kind of flour in my life. God I miss crackers, and donuts (and unless you’re the most diabolical bastard alive don’t even think about mentioning the word pie around me).

So we start this plan and low and behold I start dropping weight like crazy. Nice. And truth be told, I’m not all that hungry. Even nicer. But, while I am not physically craving foods, boy do I miss some of them. Especially baked goods. So my wife goes into the recipe section of the book and makes herself this funky muffin type thing that is no sugar, no flour, and hopefully semi-tasteful. It looks amazing, and she says it tastes just fine (that should have been a warning). She slices off a piece and puts butter on it and I try it. Fingers crossed.

At first the taste of the butter is picked up by my senses, and then the texture of the actual muffin and butter combo, and surprisingly no alarm bells. There is hope. And then it hits me, this muffin tastes like DIRT! No, actually, I would much rather have dirt in my mouth than whatever this abomination is. As the texture and butter disguised it well enough for the first few seconds, I have actually chewed it for a bit, and I now have a very difficult decision on my hands. Do I spit it out like every part of my body is pleading my mouth to do, or do I just swallow quickly and pass this on to my stomach to figure out. As I am on the phone at the same time, I go with the latter. I walk upstairs surprising calmly to brush my teeth.

Well, I will probably try this diet for a while longer, but I am staying with the basics and leaving the faked baked goods alone. My wife will also probably be on it for a while, as she has this sense of taste that defies logic. What difference does it make to her what she eats on a diet, as apparently she will eat something I think is worse than dirt.

File Under Jack of all Trades