posted by Joe Anaya on August 13th, 2012

As mentioned in a previous post, my wife forced me to join a gym and signed me up for a personal trainer. Although I like the kid (and he is a kid) and cannot complain about the extra motivation to go to the gym, I am a little offended. I’ve asked around and it’s not just my wife, many of my friends’ wives have not so subtly said, “You need to lose those love handles.” There’s no way in hell that I could give my wife the gift of a membership to Weight Watchers. I’d be sleeping on the couch for years. But somehow it’s okay for her to poke at my stomach and proclaim, “You’re getting fat.”

In all honesty, I haven’t been hungry since last Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving dinner, then the leftovers, Christmas, then the leftovers, New Year’s Day, Superbowl party, a string of birthdays and the required cake (cake is my favorite food), big helpings of corned beef on St. Patrick’s Day, more birthdays, then the backyard BBQ season begins.

I’ll admit lately I have been feeling a little wider around the waist. I blame the total lack of aerobic exercise on my two bum-shoulders’ slow healing process. So, I don’t get to do my favorite activity, basketball. And I haven’t found anything else I like as much. Or I could blame having to work longer hours. Or more social lunches at work. Or more kid activities to chauffeur. Or blah, blah, blah. But really as Steve Martin put it, “I’d do anything to have a great body, except eat right and exercise.”

Anyway, I recently read an article where researchers have discovered that happily married couples are on-average overweight an extra 15 lbs each. I like to think that as a couple, we’re allowed 30 lbs together. Since I’ve known my wife, she’s always been trying to lose a mythical 5 lbs (I always think she looks great.). But that means I have 25 lbs to play with, right?

The article also pointed out that if a spouse has lost a significant amount of weight, they usually aren’t doing it for fun, they tend to be losing weight for a potential break-up, with one eye on their attractiveness to to the opposite sex. Or as my wife calls it, “Getting into dating shape.” In my opinion, this is especially true for men, if a guy looses 5-10 lbs, they’re just trying to fit into their pants better. If he’s loosing 30 pounds, he’s almost definitely looking for the next future ex-wife.

Whenever my wife notices my expanding gut, according to this study, she should be happy that I’m so content. So when she points to the straining button trying to hold my shirt together and decries, “You need to do something about that,” I just grab hold and jiggle the handful of blubber and coo, “I love you this much, honey.”

File Under King of the Castle, Weekend Warrior