Our family road trips were not like this one. Enjoy.
First of all, I would like to say the 4th this year was very nice. The weather was perfect. We sat out on our porch in the cool summer breeze and played games pretty much all day and ate all sorts of wonderful foods. Very relaxing and tasty. In the morning, I made perfect scones.
In light of last weeks ruling by the Supreme Court, declaring gay marriage a constitutional right. I’m reposting this blog. Originally posted 4/1/13 Usually, Male Pattern Madness is a place to get a nice laugh, and we stay away from overly serious or controversial topics. But this is something I feel strongly about and since
Here’s a link to dad’s winning the parenthood race. http://www.viralthread.com/heroic-dads/?utm_rcreplace_39=3220&ts_pid=2&ts_pid=2
A while ago, we were all watching a TV show and there was a sexual reference that my son and I chuckled at but my wife didn’t get. It was fun to watch my son explain to his mother what the sexual innuendo actually meant in terms that wouldn’t get him thrown out of the
Recently Joe A. and I have increasingly been having problems with our website, especially with regards to links and comments. We have decided that enough is enough and will be attempting to fix it once and for all (or at least until something else breaks or the Facebook overlords decide to screw us again). While we
Because of all we have in our great country it is easy for me to forget about all those who laid down there lives for us even a few days after Memorial Day. Remember.
Remembering all who sacrificed while serving.
At work every Monday morning an employee is asked to present on a topic generally related to safety or greater workplace effectiveness. Over the years I have presented on topics ranging from Carcinogens in the Workplace, to our company’s Occupational Medicine standard, to my last one on how to properly use a fire extinguisher. Basically
Well, as we come to an end of spring football week at Male Pattern Madness, we thought we would leave you with one more little stab at the hated Patriots. As they have proven themselves to be cheaters on many occasions in the past (If you really want to get Joe A. riled up just
This week Joe A. Wrote about the Seahawks personnel process. They are a very interesting team because they aren’t afraid to do things differently. There have been 100′s of stories already this offseason about how they like to transition defensive lineman to the offensive line. Well even though it is almost impossible to read the seahawks coaching minds, I
We found this post while wasting time at work. I lived through most of these. Enjoy. http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/the-years-of-living-dangerously/ss-AA8uwNH
I was listening to the radio in Chicago while I was there for training. Now, I always like stories about dumb criminals. There is just always something funny about someone catching themselves for the cops. I always appreciate the Darwin awards every year. But this one might be my favorite. So this guy robs a
This is how guys look at grocery shopping. Enjoy.
I am a Vegetarian… by marriage. Years ago my wife read a couple of books about the evils of the meat industry, and becoming a vegetarian, and for the last 15 years or so she has been a vegetarian. When we moved to Tennessee and she realized they really only eat meat here, and have
This week we wrote about the many differences between men and women shopping. I found a few comics on the subject to share as well. Have a great Male Pattern Madness Weekend!
So here I am sitting in the airport and realizing I forgot to post a blog. I then remembered that I was part of the 21st century and had a smartphone. This is my attempt to post a few comics that I’ve seen over the last month that I thought were funny while sitting in
Despite Matt Ws inability to remember where he put things then using mental gymnastics to blame it on his having a purse to put them into, I still like him. Enjoy.
Over the years my wife and Joe A. have told me on many occasions my life would be easier with a purse. LIARS! Now they don’t actually call it a purse, substituting, Satchel, or Mantchel, or whatever lame ass name for a purse they can come up with, but bottom-line it’s a purse. Earlier in
To the embarrassment of my wife and friends, I am secure enough in my manhood to carry a purse. Well, technically it’s a large fanny pack, but I never wear it around my waist (Even I’m not THAT secure). It’s always slung over my shoulder like a satchel. I know satchels are trendy now, but
So I typed in Male Pattern Hearing into the old world wide web and a link to male pattern blindness popped up. I clicked on it and I thought it was pretty funny. By the way, my wife “found” my keys on my desk the other day. The MyLifeSuckers website seems pretty funny, in a
This week I wrote about how kids are doing chores less and less. Unfortunately I might be part of the problem. Anyway I saw this cartoon and it made me laugh. Enjoy! Have a great Male Pattern Madness Weekend!
The other day I was in a meeting at work waiting for my part of the discussion. I was bored and knew I had 10 minutes before I needed to pay attention. The meeting was in a large conference room that just happened to have a big TV in the corner and FOX news was
Whenever I think of genius or smart people, I think of The Farside’s great comic about the school for the gifted. Gary Larson was a genius. Enjoy.
Everyone that has ever read a blog here at Male Pattern Madness knows that Joe A. and I are big Seahawk fans (Go Hawks!). But over the years my favorite team has always been the Seattle Mariners. Every February when pitchers and catchers report, there is a bit of a jump in my steps for
I was a little sad this week with the death of Leonard Nimoy. As a smart kid growing up, his character Mr. Spock was one of my favorites, “He’s smart and he’s cool.” Unfortunately, that was just a fantasy TV show and he was an alien. But anyway… As I was thinking about his influence
Joe A and I have been talking about building tiny houses a lot lately. The more I look into them the more I think that what I really want/need is a humongous house with only a couple rooms. Think 2000 square foot one bedroom apartment with high ceilings, large doorways, and counter-tops 6 inches higher
I recently stayed at Joe A.’s house and a major topic of discussion was our mutual desire to construct a tiny house. During one of these conversations, our wives chimed in that we should buy a piece of property in a nice location and build each couple a tiny house on the property. Interesting. My
If you’ve read our blog, you know I’m a little handy around the house. But here’s the problem — I get bored. I’ve tiled a bathroom and after the first few tiles, I felt like I got the hang of it. Then the next challenge was laying an entire room at a diagonal, then it
This is especially true for soccer.
As you know, here at Male Pattern Madness, we don’t usually get too mushy. (Just look at Joe A’s post.) But while looking for a good Valentine’s Day comic, I ran across this video. It’s from the “Playing For Change” group, that organizes musicians from all over the world to work together and create music
For the first couple of decades of my marriage I always got a two pound box of dark chocolate caramels for my wife every Valentine’s Day. While don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the ease of selecting the gift, it did have a nice sentiment as well. Double Bonus, easy and thoughtful… a husbands
It’s Valentine’s Day this weekend. So, my thoughts are all mushy about love and romance. I love my wife. There’s nobody I’d rather be with. I even told her that. After being married for 20 years, we’ve grown comfortable with each other. As we’ve spent time around other couples or other women. I’ve realized my
Everyone I know is feeling them. Here are the 7 stages of a Super Bowl loss for a 12. Shock and Disbelief – The 12 may not be able to comprehend that the Super Bowl has really ended without another championship as we had the ball at the one yard line with Marshawn Lynch in the backfield,
Most Seahawks fans are disconsolate these days. It’s going to take a while to get over this one. We were so close to victory and then in an instant it was all gone. As I can’t imagine anyone doesn’t know what happened, I think it was the most highly viewed show in US history, I
Well, I’m exhausted, because I spent my Sunday cheering and screaming and finally sobbing for my beloved Seattle Seahawks against the hated Patriots in the Superbowl. (I can’t fathom the final play call, but that’s a different story.) I watched the big game in a sports bar with a bunch of other displaced Seahawks fans.
It is always amazing to me what people will lie about. As a parent, I have heard my share of fibs and I always find myself thinking, “Why did you choose to bend the truth here when reality was a non-punishable crime? The lie was actually worse.” We don’t get any smarter as adults. Early
Joe A. and I both posted this week on our beloved Seattle Seahawks. As they prepare for the Super Bowl the main question on most peoples minds this week will be, how is Belichick going to try to cheat. Well, I personally think it will be a great game and all the footballs will be
This week Joe A wrote about girls wrestling and Matt W wrote about baking cookies, so a little role-reversal movie seemed in order. Enjoy.
Early on in my marriage, I worked full time and my wife worked part time. She did most of the housework in this arrangement including cooking. When my wife’s job became full time, I still did very little housework, and it took me a while to realize how irritated she was with me. Guys are
Three weeks into the new year, many of the resolutions have already fallen by the wayside. And good riddance I say. Here are some statistics about what type of goals people set. 47% of the goals are for self-improvement: education, quit a bad habit, learn a new language or instrument 38% of the goals set
Joe A. and I have always been drawn to excellent cartoons and comics. The people behind the pencil have always brought excitement and laughter into our lives. This makes what happened in France this week make even less sense than most extremist actions. Anyway, I saw this tribute and thought I would post. When you
So I was sitting at work prior to my anniversary thinking about what I should get my wife. I work in the Federal government and as it was the end of the year and no one was around, I was pretty bored. I wondered what anniversary theme was associated with the 27th, and clicked on
Here are some of my favorite Matt W blogs from 2014. In not particular order. Hey Home Skillet: You ruined it, didn’t you? Nope, I Still Don’t Believe You: I think all parents experience this. Driving On Fumes: The fact that you do it on purpose if hilarious to me. Honey, When You Die: I’m
Another year has gone by. For some reason this comic made me laugh. I think it has something to do with Commissioner Gordon, but I’m not sure. Have a great 2015.
Joe and I would like to thank all of you for following our madness again this year. Have a great holiday season and we hope you decide to join in the middle-age mayhem again next year.
When we moved into our house, our first Christmas was an adventure of epic proportions. And I mean that literally. Our living room is an open concept to the dining room with tall vaulted ceilings, a perfect place for a nice big Christmas tree. My wife declares, “Let’s get the biggest tree that will fit
I found this brilliant photographer’s self-portraits of his time with his daughter. Wish I had thought of this. There are more if you follow the link. Enjoy.
I received a text from a buddy the other day, “Hey, have you lost weight?” As I have been recently packing on the pounds like a bear getting ready for hibernation, I texted back, “No, exactly opposite, and why do you ask?” “You look skinnier in your Christmas card” was his reply. All I’ve got
Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Last year in a moment of food preparation frustration, I suggested to my wife that we have pizza this year instead turkey. She agreed. I was so excited about her positive response that I wrote about it in my Make Mine a Sausage And Mushroom post-Thanksgiving blog that
A few years ago, I fell in love with a brine turkey dinner. I told my wife, “I want THIS next year.” She says, “Help yourself.” “Okay, I’ll do it.” I agreed to prepare the turkey next Thanksgiving. What the hell. The next year, I found a recipe for brining a turkey and I was
Happy black Friday everyone. I plan on celebrating by not going near a store today. Well, I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday. First and most importantly, my entire family was home for the first time in a long time. It felt really good. Pie. The turkey turned out excellent. I always worry
“You were right, I should have taken lessons,” my daughter said to me in the middle of her doing–the-dishes choir medley. I knew exactly what she was talking about. A couple years ago I had suggested that my daughter take singing lessons, because it seemed to me like singing would always be an important part
As a parent, I’m thrilled that my kid has no trouble with self-esteem. He’s full of self-confidence. But I don’t think I can take any credit for it. It seems like he was born that way. When he was 3-years old, we took him to Legoland. He was fascinated by the drivable racecar track. The
Serving your country comes in many forms; we all have the opportunity to serve our country on a daily basis. But as we just celebrated Veterans Day, this is a time to hold our troops above the rest and celebrate the amazing contribution each person has made for our country serving in the Armed Forces.
I go to Starbucks for lunch almost every workday. I have a triple tall Americano with an inch of room. $2.91… every day. Now I have read all the life-long savings books about the best way to save money for the future is to cut out the daily, fill in the blank, which in my
Monday, I blogged about my love of superheroes. Then, I remembered a picture of a dad and son shopping in a hardware store. That’s just good parenting. Enjoy.
So, typically on Friday’s we cheat and instead of writing a post, we post a comic or link to a funny video. But it was surprisingly hard to find anything good about guy friends. I found a quote that read, “Good friends will help you bury a body. Best friends bring their own shovel and
I read an interesting quote the other day. “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” As I didn’t know who said it, I typed it in to the ole internet and “voilà”, Jim Rohn motivational speaker was attributed with this quote. As the picture associated with the quote
It’s hard to make new friends as an adult. So, I think there needs to be a friend finder app. Kind like a dating app except with out the sex. Instead of man seeking woman for “good times” “wink, wink,” it’d be guy seeking guy for “hanging out fun.” When you’re a kid, you’re surrounded
The other day I invited Joe A. to join me cross-country at a Seahawks football game. Because of some lame excuse (family), he had to decline. So I texted my wife “Joe bailed. Pansy!” and she immediately replied, “Wuss.” Three things caught my attention. First my wife called Joe a wuss. I laughed. Second, it
Once in a blue moon, I end up in the company of a stripper. I’m not generally that kind of guy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy looking at the curve a woman as much as the next guy. It’s just that I think too much to enjoy strip clubs. Strip clubs are like Disneyland.
I have never been a fan of pit-bulls, or to be more precise pit-bulls with bad owners. And as pit-bulls aren’t required to wear color coded collars showing their owners competence level, they all scare me. As I am a big guy, I have never personally feared for myself with regards to a pit-bull. Not
I am a die-hard Seattle Mariners and Seahawks fan. These days, people understand the Seahawks allegiance as we are the reigning Super Bowl Champions. No one really understands my undying loyalty to the Mariners. What can I say? I’m a fan, which means that I currently think that the Seahawks will repeat as Champions (semi-rational
I was hanging out in the mall a couple of weeks ago and the horror of the time of year struck me. Not Halloween, I like Halloween, it’s the beginning of the holiday season. Without looking at a calendar, I know it’s the holiday season because the stores have Christmas decorations. Christmas, for Christ’s sake!
Kids are expensive. Crazy expensive. You hear estimates all the time like “$250,000 a kid” but even that staggering number seems low. Diapers and formula, turn into cute little toddler clothes and cheerios, and all the sudden you’re buying your son a beer. Cash has hemorrhaged from my wallet for sports, college, eating out, and
I walked into a restroom the other day and moseyed on up to the urinal. It was abnormally high. I mean really high to the point that most people would be aiming up. While I wasn’t on my tippy toes or anything like that, my first thought was, “it was a good thing I’m over
Living in the South for the last decade has introduced me to some interesting ways of saying things. Y’all, you’ins and fixin have all been used by people around me far too frequently. ”I might, could do that,” is my favorite “least favorite” way of saying things. You might do that or you could do
Legos are awesome. Even The Lego Movie was awesome. The video games are even fun. “Everything is awesome.” Like most kids, my kid loved Legos. He was into Star Wars and Lego made a mint off of him by creating Star Wars themed Lego sets. Every birthday and Christmas he would score a few new
Joe A. and I always talk about the internet and how big brother is becoming more and more a part of our lives. The web constantly amazes me with how well the ads I see while surfing match with my actual purchasing tendencies. E-mail, not so much. You would think that they could just ask
It’s funny when you find out things that everyone else knows but you don’t. And depending on your mood it can be funny ha-ha or funny awkward. In our “War” themed summer, one of the picks for family movie night was “Spartacus.” I have never seen the classic Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis starrer. Half way
The Seattle Seahawks are the only team with a winning record in the NFL after last nights game, and I see a lot a wins in their future. Undefeated Super Bowl Champions has a nice ring to it. You better watch out Miami, we’re coming after your record this year! Go Seahawks and have a great
Well I hate to break it to all the members of other demographics but middle-aged men are the best drivers, period. First let me say that it is truly unfortunate that we live in a society where the issues of older people aren’t discussed more seriously. We have created a car society, putting many citizens
This was sent to us by a fan while they were trying to find parking at a sports bar in Culver City, CA. The subtext is clearly saying, “Just don’t park here. It’s not worth it.” Enjoy.
As I watched the nightly news yesterday, there was a segment about people on airlines using a wedge device to restrict the chair in front of them from reclining. Apparently, a plane was re-routed and two people were actually kicked off the plane for arguing over the use of the device. Wow, I could have
And because everything that Gary Larsen ever did is revered here at Male Pattern Madness, a vegetarian comic for your enjoyment. Have a Great MPM weekend!
I enjoy cooking and eating; especially eating. Many years ago, my wife decided to become a vegetarian and ever since my whole food world has changed. And while I am not personally a vegetarian, I’m married to one which for all intents and purposes is exactly the same thing. The big reason is meat for
I heard that scientists were going to be looking at the claims of the quinoa proponents. The weird tadpole like grain my wife swears will extend our lives is now under the scrutiny of it’s status as a super food. But the fact is that the scientists are already too late. The A.D.D. health crowd
My mother-in-law was visiting from out of town recently and my wife and I went with her to the local mall to do a bit of shopping. While in Belk department store, her I-Phone made a cha-ching sound, like the ringing of an old time cash register. I thought that was an interesting ring tone
While I was writing a recent blog, I was having a hard time coming up with the term “common sense.” After thinking for a while, I finally came up with the phrase, but then it struck me, the reason I was struggling so much was I hadn’t heard anyone use the phrase in years. And
As a rebel at heart, this made me laugh.
Science fiction movies often fall into visual effects heavy wide shots with sparse set designs to depict the future with very little to say. And often they say nothing at a break-neck pace. Once in awhile, a film comes along that refreshes the genre and comes at it from a different perspective. Snowpiercer is just
Just cause we love Weird Al and he’s been doing this since the 80′s, we thought we’d give him a little shout out. Enjoy.
This past weekend, the family was out working in the yard, typical yard clean-up stuff: mowing, edging, weeding, and we even pulled out an old dying bush. As the yard work was winding down, I remembered that I had asked my son to wax his car (more accurately MY car that he happens to get
One day, I was lounging around checking emails with a home improvement show playing in the background. The homeowners were doing a little DIY and the husband was timidly fumbling about, fretting, and whining because he’s uncomfortable changing a light fixture. Here’s a clue dude, at least turn the light switch to “off.” Better yet,
After my little weight gain this July Fourth, all I can think about recently is pie. It reminded me of a picture I saw of the perfect pie chart. Enjoy!
I like to listen to music at work. Pandora is one of the few websites that makes it through the federal firewall so, there you have it. For the uninitiated, Pandora is a website that allows you to plant a “seed” of a song or artist you like and it will use a sophisticated algorithm
In Southern California, we grill outside a lot. Once I over cooked some barbeque chicken and now every time I’m outside manning the grill my wife tosses out, “Don’t over cook it like last time.” A decade ago, my wife got me a digital thermometer/meat fork. It seemed like a great idea. If I could
We just celebrated another 4th of July and I was sent a Buzzfeed post from a fan. With tongue firmly planted in cheek. Enjoy. Prt: compensating for something, ‘merica? Amr: yeah, weak allies Prt: fuck you america. portugal has TWO freedom days Amr: america
In a rare twist, I will be playing the part of Matt W. and complain about how 4th of July was better when I was a kid. Specifically, I’m talking about the lameness of “safe & sane” fireworks. There was little that compared to the excitement of being a kid and going to get fireworks
Over the 4th of July weekend, I heard the national anthem over the radio while watching fireworks. Every school kid knows that Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. But not everyone understands that in 1812 it was just a poem, Defense of Fort McHenry. The words were added to the music of The
Yesterday, I was driving home with my son, and noticed that I was fast approaching empty. As my current car has a “miles to empty” feature, and I have gotten to zero on more than one occasion and not ran out of fuel, I wasn’t worried. Every extra mile I drive on a tank of
I found this the other day. I admit I am “guilty” or “skilled at simplifying” depending on your point of view. Enjoy
I’m a slow talker. Really, I am. What I didn’t know was how slow of a listener I am. My dog recently had to spend a few days at the Vet Hospital (for all you Sundance fans out there he is doing quite well now). He had a very nice Vet in charge of his
Fortunately for two guys that blog about their life experiences, Joe A. and I have two strong, independent wives. As both are smart, strong feminist women who like to lead, there isn’t much Joe and I can blog about that our wives haven’t already heard worse in the workplace or in other parts of their
I’ve been married for 26 years. Now that my wife is used to my bluntness and knows how my twisted mind works, there are a few things I will say that I wouldn’t have said early on in our eternal union. The fact that she knows I love her and I’m probably not going anywhere
Recently I was hanging out at Joe A.’s house. He wanted me to help him change out a sliding glass door. Cool, we like hanging out doing middle-age manly things. Bring it on. There are two identical sliding doors opening to his deck and the sliding mechanism on the main door was wearing out making
I recently had the privilege of spending the night in the Chicago Airport. Nasty weather had diverted our Chicago flight to Des Moines, and when we finally arrived in Chicago, our connecting flight had been cancelled. They booked us on a flight leaving the next morning. They handed us a half-off hotel pass and mentioned
We have taken this week off. We’ll be back next Monday. In the meantime, we wanted to post this link with a little bit of knowledge regarding Memorial Day and it’s history and meaning. Enjoy.
As with most everything in this world, when I think of Godzilla and atomic bombs I think of The Far Side. Gary Larson just had a way of capturing my thoughts, and then taking them to bizarre and wonderful levels. As I watched the Godzilla movie one of my main take aways was that humans
It’s not quite Boxer vs Commando but it’s more relevant. Maybe more relevant than funny. Enjoy.
When I was in college, my roommate Danny, like most starving students, had very long hair and very little money. One day, he had had enough of his mop top and asked where he could get it cut “inexpensively.” I mostly ignored his question, until a spectacular idea popped into my head. I said “I’ve
It was Earth Day this week. Yea! Earth Day offers an excellent opportunity to discuss some of the issues that impact our planet in a fairly non-combative way. I’ve always liked that. Now we just need to work on the other 364 days of the year. Be good to our planet every day. Have a great
This is kind of what I did in Iceland, except instead of shooting things, I was watching for Northern Lights.
Joe A. wrote this week that people assume you are checking off items from your bucket list anytime you do something cool after a certain age. Apparently, they are expecting you to kick the bucket shortly. I personally have a “50 things to do in my 50′s” list to eliminate the whole death thing from my current
I am a big Seattle Mariners fan, so I drove the 80 mile trek to see a Jackson Generals game, the Seattle Mariners AA farm club. (Baseball is awesome.) As I’m driving, I come up behind a white SUV in the left lane that is going far slower than I want to be going. Anyone
I recently went to Iceland. My main goal for going was to see the Northern Lights. I’ve been to Alaska; but it was in the summer and the sun never set. So, I never saw a hint of nighttime let alone the Northern Lights. It was actually my sister who suggested Iceland, “That way if
Matt W. wrote a review about Noah this week and it reminded me of one of my favorite cartoonists, Gary Larson and his Far Side. Enjoy.
Bracket madness is upon us. Here’s a little video we found of all the different types of brackets out there. Enjoy.
Every year I fill out a bracket for March Madness mostly just to say I did. I have turned some of them in for office pools (I do pretty well) and have given them to my children for school pools (my daughter won pizza last year by beating her teachers bracket), but mostly just do
Previously, Matt W. mentioned the Beloit Mindset list for the university’s incoming freshman class. It’s used as a tool for the faculty to understand the mindset of the students they’re about to teach. Here it is: For this generation of entering college students, born in 1995, Dean Martin, Mickey Mantle, and Jerry Garcia have always
So, I’m at the vet with my dog. My dog had been really sick and this was just one of those follow-up type appointments to bilk me out of a few more dollars, because my dog can’t talk and say he’s fine. But as with most other vet customers, it was for my dog so
I’m married to a superhero. This is not a sappy blog about how my wife is Wonder Woman or Supergirl. I didn’t marry that kind of hero. I married Hawkgirl, the mace wielding, winged, redhead from a warrior planet. My son and I were watching a Justice League cartoon. (We’ve watched quite a few episodes.)
So on the opening night of the movie Monuments Men, my wife and daughter and I break the first rule of movie viewing, “If a movie is over advertised, don’t go, because it’s probably not that good.” But my daughter wanted to see it and it turned out to be a solid movie. Not academy
There’s a funny story about how I met my next door neighbor in the first house my wife and I owned. We had been living in our new house as newly-weds a couple of weeks and hadn’t introduced ourselves to our neighbors yet. I noticed that my next-door neighbor had three bee hives in his back yard up
Joe A. and I talk a lot about the staggereing level of entitlement combined with complete unawareness the younger generations display. I was recently reminded of this great Saturday Night Live skit. I hope you enjoy. The last line is my favorite. I also just read this article
Just a quick post while we’re on vacation. For some reason, this cracks me up. Enjoy.
This is the best Valentine’s Day card ever. In a guy kind of way. Enjoy.
The other day I received a phone call while I was making dinner. I didn’t recognize the number. “Hello.” “Are you missing something?” said the man on the other end. “I’m sorry, what do you mean?” is my confused reply. “Are you missing something?” he again questioned. “I have no clue what you are talking
We won the Super Bowl! I say we because I am a 12. 700,000 of my fellow 12′s show’d up to celebrate the Seahawks Super Bowl Victory. I wish I could have been there. This is the first in a long line of Seattle Championships. Go Seahawks and go 12′s!
While I am not a huge fan of trash talking while playing sports, I do like the witty side of smack talk associated with sporting events. And as my Seahawk team was in the Super Bowl this past Sunday, there has been a lot of opportunity for smack talk in my life lately. I live in
I recently turned fifty. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. 50. FIFTY. 50. Fifty is one of those ages that people don’t let you pass through quietly. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the words colonoscopy, hearing aid, and prune juice. According to my kids, that would be because
In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday, I’m posting this link to the famous I Have A Dream speech. Enjoy.
My son saw this and though of me. Isn’t he a jewel? I hope you enjoy this son’s ode to his father. I Liked You Better Deaf Have a great weekend!
After reading Matt W’s post about positive things, it made me think about glass half full or half empty kind of people. Then I found this. Enjoy
I have always enjoyed hanging out with my uncle. He is far more than “a bit” eccentric, which has always made for interesting times together. He’s an amazing artist with his true area of genius being carving, which as you can imagine in present day United States means he made his living from a variety
It’s been a couple of weeks since New Year. And let me say, “I really hate New Year’s resolutions.” I’m not really a New Year’s resolution kind of guy myself. Usually, if I think something would be a good idea, I start doing it right then. I don’t wait until January first. But that’s not
I just wanted to share with everyone my New Year’s Resolution. Just in case you were wondering.
Well, we have completed another year of blogging on Male Pattern Madness. On Monday, Joe A. reviewed my blogs from the past year and highlighted a few of his favorites. Now I get to return the favor. When we first started blogging, we made the conscious decision not to get too political with our topics. But
It’s time for my annual end of the year review of some of my favorite blogs from Matt W. It’s always fun to look back and reread posts and be reminded of some of the clever writing that Matt W. does. In no particular order, here are my five favorite posts from Matt W. I’m
Joe A. wrote about No More Christmas Cards in his post this week. He mentioned his favorite card was the classic The Far Side card from Gary Larson, where kids see Santa’s remains in the chimney. Only Larson could make me laugh out loud with that disturbing scene. I saw this card from Ian Baker and also thought
It’s the holiday season and I’ve given up on sending out Christmas cards. It started after Thanksgiving, when I got excited to pick a cool card and send a quick “I’m thinking of you” card to my friends and family. Maybe do them while sipping hot cocoa by the fire. That’s a holiday image. Then
Christmas trees are popping up all over the place. Here’s one for Male Pattern Madness.
Tipping rules need to change. When I was a kid, everyone did most everything for themselves. We didn’t have dog walkers, car detailers, personal trainers or paid coaches for kids. Most of the jobs were in manufacturing and as most people didn’t track-down the line worker that tightened the bolts on their new Chevy Impala
During the holiday season, whenever I see some mistletoe, I’m brought back to a fond memory of the best kiss ever. With all respect to my wife, the “best kiss” happened during high school a decade before I met her. And when I told her I was going to write about the best kisser in
This week I wrote about how I thought passengers weren’t ready for cell phone usage on planes. Here is Joe Heller’s take on the issue. Be safe and have a great weekend!
During this current holiday travel season, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) recently made public its proposed lifting of the cell phone ban on planes. Please no. People aren’t very good at using cell phones politely. For every whispered, “So great to hear from you, but I’m in a restaurant, let me call you back in
On the Friday where citizens trample each other to buy new stuff the day after we all gave thanks for the things we have, I felt this video was a good perspective of our daily “problems” in the United States and a good reminder of all the blessings we enjoy.
I like good food as much as the next guy. Well, actually probably more than the next guy, especially if pie is involved, but I’m starting to wonder if the effort required to make a “proper” Thanksgiving meal is actually worth it. We are having all sorts of people over for Thanksgiving this year. My
On Monday, Joe A. posted his very calm feelings on why little kids don’t need cell phones. It reminded me of a video my wife showed me of Louis C. K. on Conan. He makes some very interesting points. Enjoy and have a great weekend.
Recently, a golf writer, Brandell Chamblee, called out Tiger Woods for cheating. Actually documenting past and current incidents of cheating. Tiger’s agent threatened a lawsuit. Other golfers whined that Chamblee, as a former PGA professional, broke the code that you can never call someone out for cheating. Mr. Chamblee actually had to apologize then quit
Well, my third and final addition to the driving world has finally been deemed fit by the Great State of Tennessee to be a licensed driver. She is actually pretty competent on the road but if you happen to be driving and come up next to the car in the picture, I would give it a
Seeing how it’s Veteran’s Day, I thought I’d spend a little time writing about some of the veteran’s I’ve known. First, of course, is my dad. He was a wild youth and his older brothers, who had just returned from WWII, convinced their mom (my grandmother) that what he needed was some military discipline. So,
Have a great weekend and try to interact with a human or two if possible; maybe even outdoors!
These are the best costumes I’ve seen this year.
My wife has made hundreds of Halloween costumes; it’s her thing. My children have been characters ranging from Batman and Robin, pirates, and revolutionary war heroes to pigs, sheep and penguins. They are all amazing (I say “are” because most are in a costume box in the basement)! I have for the most part stayed
To 3D Or Not To 3D Joe A. reviewed the movie Gravity in this week’s post. I mentioned in a comment that the review at CinemaBlend.com called To 3D Or Not To 3D had given Gravity a perfect score; something I hadn’t seen on their site. So I went to see the movie, paid for
Monday I wrote about words I didn’t know until I met my wife. Here is the best example of a “sconce” ever.
So the other day, I started to step off an elevator at work just to be run into by a woman looking down as she entered the elevator (seriously people, let everyone off the elevator prior to entering). Just as I was about to think semi-rude thoughts about her, she apologized in the most beautiful
Occasionally, there are words or phrases that I have never come across that seem to be common knowledge. In my late twenties, while discussing a wilting plant I heard the word flaccid for the first time. (I blame my incredible masculinity.) But when I met my wife, I was introduced to a whole lexicon of
Let me set the scene. I’m watching the Seattle Seahawks get pummeled by Houston on TV with my wife and daughter. My wife has been laid up with a sore back and hasn’t really left the recliner the last few days. In the 3rd quarter with the Seahawks still way down, my wife says she
Joe A. addressed the age old topic of Thermostat Wars this past Monday. In his blog he mentioned that 75 degrees was to cold which is indeed crazy. So the Male Pattern Madness research staff went off to the old World Wide Web
I recently took CPR, AED and First Aid training. The class was fairly fast paced and we skipped around a great deal. I was a bit frustrated because it felt like we were missing a lot, especially when compared to the last time I took the training many years ago. The woman next to me
I had to take CPR and First Aid training as part of the contract I’m on at work. I took the training last week. I sat between a 30-year-old woman and a 55-year-old man. When I walked in, the woman was reviewing her e-mails and texts and actively responding. The thought that went through my
I wrote about things parents do for their kids this week. Here’s a cute picture I found. Enjoy.
People driving in the left hand lane have always pissed me off. Seriously, it’s for passing. If you’re not passing another car, get out of it. Well, the other day, as I drove back home through the winding North Carolina Mountains, I was stuck behind a white Subaru in the left lane. There were eight
The start of a new football season. The Seahawks are awesome this year. Russell Wilson will be league MVP. These things are a given. Watching as many games as possible however, is not. So my suggestion to all Male Pattern Madness reading football fans is to do a little extra work around the house this weekend and get your
So, I took another red-eye flight. There are two things that I don’t like about red-eye flights. It is uncomfortable to sleep in an airline seat, and, well… they let other people on board. I’m still recovering from my latest adventure. I’m originally from the West coast, so most of my travels to see family
Earlier this week I went to a presentation at the University of Tennessee featuring Bill McKibben, author of the book, Eaarth. The freshman class at UT had all been assigned this book as summer reading, and this presentation was a kick-off event for the year. Recently there have been numerous articles written about how this
Toward the end of my senior year of high school, Joe A. and I, along with a couple buddies decided we would take a road trip. Now up until that point of my life, road trips had been a family affair, and while they seemed epic in nature, the furthest we had ever driven as a family
The last days of summer are here. And we’ve had a few friends drive into town and hang out. And I’m reminded of the summer road trips my family used to take as a kid. Like National Lampoon’s Vacation, my dad would pile the family into the van and head across the country from our
Monday I wrote about an adventurer. I was reminded of a picture I saw. Feels like a dad training his child to be an adventurer. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
Joe A. and I regularly address customer service or more specifically the lack there of. I saw this the other day and got a good laugh. Enjoy. Have a great weekend!
I think I am a perfect customer, but maybe not. I am willing to pay full price for a quality product, I never use coupons, I don’t waste time in stores, and I am incredibly loyal to stores or restaurants that meet my expectations. If these expectations are met, I frequent the establishment. If not,
A fan sent this recently. I think it’s a good idea. Enjoy.
My dog is an invisible fence pansy and typically doesn’t get within 15 feet of the wire, ever. Well, unless he figures out it isn’t working (How he does this, I have no idea) and then he goes next door to get dog biscuits from my neighbor. Years ago, during one of those down times,
Well it’s Friday. The Mariners are on a bit of a hot streak and Seahawks just started training camp, so both Joe A. and I are pretty happy. The transition to football is finally here for Joe and I still have a few more months of baseball to enjoy. This week we talked about a
It’s been out for awhile but this banana slicer is no big deal. It’s all about the reviews. Enjoy. Hutzler – 571 – Banana – Slicer
A rebuttal to Joe A’s Monday Baseball Is To Slow post. I admit it Joe A., in our Ritalin controlled, video-game-driven world, baseball has lost some of its appeal. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t awesome. It just means that we need to work harder at proving it to our kids, so a decade from
I was thinking about what to write this week and remembered that on the Fourth of July last year, I saw that it was National Pie Week. Certainly cause for celebration. So, here is a Fourth of July week top 10 things that come to mind when I think about pies. The Romans were the
I used to buy my dad Old Spice cologne every Father’s day (He didn’t wear ties.) I found this commercial online and thought it was perfect for your blog. Enjoy.
Two years ago, Matt W and I launched this little endeavor known as Male Pattern Madness. It was the brainchild of Matt W’s unemployment boredom, my urge to have a creative outlet, and our chats on the phone were we made each other laugh. I thought I’d give our readers a little peak at our
It was two years ago that we started Male Pattern Madness. We’ll have a few changes coming in the next year. Being dad’s, often our wish for Father’s Day is to be left alone. So, we’ll keep this short. Enjoy.
While I still consider myself a west coaster, I’ve actually lived in Tennessee for almost a decade now. When we were finalizing our move, everyone I knew was kind of horrified at the prospect of living in the South. But for the most part, bigger cities are all fairly similar, and I don’t live in
My wife’s car got the latest registration sticker in the mail. So, I went out to put the new sticker on her license plate. I have to remove the license plate because the top corner of the sticker is underneath the plate frame. That’s when it all went south and “turned into a thing.” The
Just cause I thought it was cool. I thought I’d link to this clip of a robot Motorhead band playing Ace of Spades. Enjoy.
While Joe A. would book himself an MRI like he would a massage or a Hawaiian vacation; me, not so much. I had my first MRI years ago. First, let me give you a little information about myself: I am not claustrophobic. Loud noises do not upset me. The width of my shoulders is
A friend just blew out his knee playing basketball. He’s probably headed toward surgery. But before he knows for sure, he’s scheduled for an MRI. Other friends were telling their MRI stories and they were all unpleasant. But my MRI experience has me looking forward to the day I need another. After a few months
The term hero has been used quite a bit lately. I think that strong words like hero are typically overused, but that certainly isn’t the case recently. Unfortunately, there have just been a lot of opportunities for heroism. There can be no doubt that any person who throws their body over small children and holds
Strip Malls suck. As a City Planner in a past life, it always sickened me to approve these abominations. First there are the awful traffic patterns. Last year there was over $3 billion dollars worth of damage in reported parking lot accidents. Reported being the key word in that sentence. As strip malls are typically
I am old; at least in terms of technology. The other day, I received an e-mail confirming that the e-mail I had sent had been forwarded on. Here is a line from the e-mail. This is the e-mail from Matt…:) So the first thing that crosses my mind is “Where is the first parenthesis? What
What is the biggest difference between women and men? While there are many different ways to tell the difference most have some sort of societal tie that really doesn’t get to the core of our non-physical differences. How we dress, what we read, the games we play, in many ways link back to what we
While reading Joe A.’s piece about his beloved car it reminded me of “Car Talk”. Over the years I have driven to an astronomical number of soccer, volleyball, swimming, cross country and baseball practices. And when these drives happened to have fallen to fall on a Saturday, the NPR Saturday morning line-up is always on
Wednesday, Matt W. posted a blog about things dads teach their kids. He wanted to skip the obvious things like how to bait a hook or skip a rock on water. So here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order. Throw a punch – I’m not just talking about keeping your thumb
Well over the course of history, Dads have been responsible for teaching their kids how to do many things. So I decided to come up with a list. I thought of the classics like how to bait a hook or cast, how to skip a stone, or how to oil your mitt. And while I
The unbelievable happened during the Boston Marathon. And while there is obviously an element of evil in this story, what stood out to me were the many people that ran back into a dangerous area to help the hundreds of people in their greatest time of need. It was truly amazing. Boston is a city
This is how it usually works. My wife and I are going somewhere (it really doesn’t matter where). We have to be at our destination at 6:00 PM. It takes about 20 minutes to get there. So just to be safe we are trying to get out the door at 5:30. Check, we are in
There it is, right in front of you, a 4-pack of a product that you typically use one of every 6 months or so at a piece price that seems too good to pass up. The decision process commences. “Well dear; do we really need that much ketchup? It’s enough to last for the next
Recently, over a long weekend, we decided to take a trip and had to have our son skip school on Friday. My son’s school has a strict attendance policy; unless he’s sick, it’s a truancy. He’s only in middle school, so we don’t have problems taking him out to see a speaker series with a
I really don’t follow NCAA basketball as much as I used to. But as I am still a male citizen of the United States of America and still draw a breath on this planet, I think it is my God given duty to fill out a bracket for March Madness. You just have to. This
Since we’re both being old guys this week. Here’s a little age test I found. Enjoy.
While watching the weekly news, there was a story that accidents and deaths among teen drivers, had actually increased in the past two years. With improvements in car safety and stricter laws requiring fewer teenagers riding in cars together their rates had been decreasing for quite some time. However, in the last couple of years
For many years, I lived in Utah. I lived in a neighborhood that was 98% Mormon. I was not. One of the first things I realized in my neighborhood is that nobody does anything on Sundays. Most establishments are actually closed, but those that are open are typically empty, and therefore it is a great
When I first read Joe A.’s fight blog from Monday, my first thought was the movie Fight Club. While not part of the movie’s cult following, I along with, I imagine, most men, get what they are talking about. As Joe A. mentioned, we really do size each other up and sometimes even wonder what
For years, I have been pretty clutch when it comes to competition. If I am paying attention and understand what the score is, which is indeed a pretty big “if,” I’m your guy. While this used to take place on tavern league softball and basketball teams and while playing golf with my buddies, in middle
Hi all. Today is our 250th post. Wow, that’s a lot. By way of example here are some interesting 250s. The International Space Station sits approximately 250 miles above Earth. The city of Alexandria was the center of world knowledge in 250 b.c. The average NFL linebacker weighs 250 lbs. The area code in British
Well, as I mentioned Wednesday, it took a broken sink to find a product made in the U.S.A. Since then I have actually found quite a few more; you just have to look. While searching on the Internet I found numerous sites that have links to all sorts of products that are Made in the U.S.
After reading Matt W’s piece on horse-sheep clones, here’s a clip from Napoleon Dynamite and the famous liger scene. Enjoy.
The other day, I was driving down the road past the local hardware store. Hardware stores that aren’t Home Depot or Lowes are always interesting to me. How do they actually survive when competing against the big box stores? I guess with good customer service and by offering specialty products. As I drove by, I
So, here it is, our top posts based on number of hits and reader votes. 10) Oh,That’s Right, It’s Christmas 9) No Texting While Driving 8 ) Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid 7) The Passing Of A Tacoma Legend (Ivan the Gorilla) 6) Asperger’s Card 5) Marching To A Different Drummer 4) Melting Pot 3)
So, I start out this holiday season doing a little holiday shopping for the most important person on my list, me. And then I remember… My wife hates it when I buy things for myself before Christmas. It’s really a sickness. I literally go 11 months of the year without purchasing things for myself, but
Since I moved to Tennessee I have a whole new appreciation for this cartoon. I especially like that one of the hunters is starting to pull ole Blitzen down from the roof; he’s definetely from the South. “Daddy, why didn’t Santa make it to our house this year, was I bad?” “No dear. Now be quiet
As a middle-aged man there are daily reminders that I’m getting a little older. Reminders like, kids no longer in the house, waking up at 4:30 in the morning to go to the restroom, and the twinge in my back as I warm up for a round of golf. The biggest reminder that I’m aging
One of my best friends, Dave B. was born with a birth defect but he’s not handicapped. He was born missing his left arm, and his right arm goes down just past his elbow and ends in a thumb and finger, no hand. There are many things that make us friends. We have a similarly
Well, we are getting to the part of the year where all the holidays are just running into each other. I have to fix up a bathroom before people come into town for Thanksgiving and I have been putting it off much to the dismay of my very organized wife. As I was thinking about
Serving your country comes in many forms; we all have the opportunity to serve our country on a daily basis. But as we just celebrated Veterans Day, this is a time to hold our troops above the rest and celebrate the amazing contribution each person has made for our country serving in the Armed Forces.
Everyone has that moment in time they would like back. Some are little blips in life, while others literally change the way people think about you. I for example would like to replay a homerun that was hit against my softball team years ago. The ball barely cleared the fence and I had a perfect
Tomorrow is election day. Mercifully, for people living in swing states, the campaign ads, the mass mailers, the robo-calls will all end tomorrow. I’m excited to be able to answer my phone again, without listening for that tell-tale pause after I say, “Hello.” (Fair warning, if you’re a slow talker, be prepared to be hung
Recently, my wife sent Halloween care packages to our sons and other friends and family currently away at college. In the care packages, she put in the standard Halloween fare of candy and baked treats, and other assorted Halloween decorations and a few fake spiders. My son and a good friend of his texted independently
In a moment of pure irony, I forgot to post my Friday follow-up blog on forgetfulness this morning. In my defense my daughter was playing in the State title match for high school volleyball, but the bottom-line was I forgot. The sad part is that it happens all too often these days and they took
My Grandpa W. gave me an 1887 silver dollar when I was a kid. In a minor miracle, I still have it. I have always loved coins, but especially dollar ones. As a big history buff, I thought it was particularly cool when they came out with the Presidential coins (George Washington is sitting on
After seeing my Aspergars card, I was encouraged to make one for another friend (you know who you are). Enjoy
First of all, my reunion was great. The organizing committee did an excellent job; great venue, food, band, and plenty of alcohol for those that needed a social lubricant. An all-around good time. Here are some observations from the night. Hair styles in the 80’s were awful! I looked in a yearbook the night before
Gas is really expensive. Remember before the gulf war, when we used to complain if it went over $2.00 a gallon. Now the price of a gallon of gas sits well over $4, some types $4.50, recently in California it touched $5. One thing I don’t do is drive around looking for cheaper gas. My
Joe A. and I have known each other since 6th grade and graduated from the same high school together. Well, it’s high school reunion time for the two of us. I’m always excited about going back home to Washington, getting to see the gang I grew up with, makes it all the more special. I’m
My class reunion is coming up. Of course my first thought was, “Holy crap, has it been that long?” It seems like only a short time ago, I was hanging with my friends doing ridiculous high school hijinks. (Think Jackass without the cameras.) When I don’t look in the mirror, I still feel like a
People like to put their food on my plate. Apparently, their unwanted food can’t stay on their plate for even a second longer before they look for a better place for these scraps to land. This “better place” is always my plate. I look at it like food litter. In restaurants, people that aren’t even
Many years ago the famous book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus came out. I must have recently pissed off my wife, because I remember saying to someone that the people of Venus must have really long, spiteful memories. When it comes to marriage, there is a sort of Statute of Limitations
I often tease a friend, suggesting he has Aspergers, a sort of social disorder that makes it difficult to distinguish emotions or social situations, think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. As a joke, I made a little card for him. Enjoy.
I have the best dog in the world. I am not trying to offend anyone and their incredibly nice “if I can’t have Matt W.’s border collie” dog, but my dog is amazing. Everyone that comes in contact with my dog thinks so. It is because he is so wonderful that we give him nice
Everyone remembers where they were the morning of September 11th. I worked in a TV station with televisions on in every room so I watched the entire morning unfold before me. It was a powerful morning that I will remember forever. This week, not so much. This is the first year where I didn’t get
Everyone has at least one. That person in your life that passes through your brain from time to time, that you think, “if only circumstances had been a little different.” I’m not talking about the guy or girl you dated for months or years, prior to finding your significant other, you had your chance with
Enjoy the day off. I’m planning on taking a nap.
I realize I’ve already barked up this tree once before in Who Are The Best Drivers but drivers that text suck! When I become king of the world, this is near the top of my long list of things to take care of. Recently, I was driving my daughter home from volleyball practice. As we
When I was young and had nothing better to do, I would head over to the B&I with friends or family. The best way to describe the B&I was a cross between a Wal-Mart, a flea market, and a circus, although not nearly as organized as any of those places. If you wanted work boots,
One of the things I love about my wife is her instant enthusiasm and spontaneous excitability. The flip side of this is that in her excitement she often plays fast and loose with the details. Leaving a trail of clues like breadcrumbs leading to the actual fact she’s thinking of. I’ve told this story many
This story has been around since 2007, I’m not entirely sure it’s authentic but it’s pretty funny. Enjoy.
8 years ago, the first time my wife had me move our incredibly heavy, multi-piece, Thomasville office furniture up two flights of stairs, my sons weighed about a buck fifty between the two of them; no help there. As I’m pretty big and was 8 years younger, I middle-age-man-handled that furniture up the stairs and
There have been many inspiring moments in this years rapidly advancing Olympic games. The last hoorahs of Misty May Treanor and Michael Phelps coinciding with the great entrances by young kids like Katie Ledecky and Gabbie Douglas. Each country has their inspiring heroes. Joe A. and I were thinking of particularly inspiring performances and both remembered Jim Redmond helping
To me the Olympics are still pretty cool. While somewhat tainted by the professional nature of the games, it’s still exciting to watch the athletes compete at sports that I don’t commonly watch at such a high level. The interesting background stories and dramatic upsets always pull me to the screen every night. It’s a
Here are a couple more crushes referenced by friends and our own jogged memories. In no particular order. Linda Harrison – Played the mute human from Planet of the Apes. Julianne Moore – Her name came up and Joe A. was shocked he forgot about a redhead. Jessica Lange – Sexy AND dangerous. Michelle Pfeifer
Or more specifically the Top 10 Women from TV and Movies I had a crush on before I got married (and stopped thinking about other women entirely). Joe A. listed his crushes on Monday so here are mine for your review. I decided to list mine chronologically (as close as I could remember). To the list: Mary
For no particular reason Matt W. and I were talking about boyhood crushes, famous women we were attracted to while growing up. So, we decided to list our favorites. Here is my list of crushes, in no particular order. Farrah Fawcett – Of course, where else would I start? As if watching Charlie’s Angels weren’t enough,
Do you remember the scene in City Slickers, were Jack Palance’s character, Curly, tells Billy Crystal about a woman he once saw? The story is something like, he’s riding on the range and he sees a woman working the land, the sun is setting behind her, shining through her sundress. Billy’s character says, “You should
Here’s a little something I found.
Well, recently my daughter’s teammates were lightheartedly making fun of her and another girl for wearing granny panties. Seriously? I was at the Victoria Secret with my wife when she bought my daughter’s underwear, and let’s just say you could make 15 pair of her panties out of one pair of my boxers. When I
I enjoy a good massage. I generally like a deep tissue massage, one where the pressure is on the verge of painful. One of the best massages I’ve ever had was from a huge Russian immigrant masseuse. He was a bear of a man with big beefy hands and sausage like fingers. I’m talking Kielbasas
Joe A. and I wrote a couple of blogs about work this week and when I think work and all the associated craziness, I always think of Dilbert. I have thought about writing a blog about how cartoon strips have gotten less funny over the years, but one of the few exceptions is Dilbert. As I constantly
I can’t decide if this is sad or awesome. I know I’ve always wanted to see it happen. And by “it,” in case you haven’t heard, San Diego’s fireworks display was set to last about 18 minutes but because of a computer malfunction they all went off at once. Here’s a link. Enjoy.
Last night was the NBA draft. While previously, I might have watched all the players selected and called Joe A. every 30 minutes or so lambasting Elgin Baylor’s pick for the Clippers, or wondering how the Spurs picked the most fundamentally sound player in the draft for the 8th straight year, the NBA draft was
I am thinking about losing some weight, which usually means I can’t stop thinking about food. So instead of eating I thought I would write. This is not my top ten favorite foods, but rather my top ten favorite foods if there were no such thing as calories. In stark contrast to my wife, I
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to pay attention to what I eat. Fortunately, one of my nieces is a registered dietician. She’s highly educated with one of those work titles like an alphabet soup behind her name, MS, RD, CNSC, NASM, CPT. She’s worked in hospitals and health spas helping create nutrition plans for
For Father’s day this year, I received a travel coffee mug from my children. On it are the “unique” sayings that apparently only I say anymore (or ever). I’m convinced my kids think I ride the fence between genius and insanity with long trips to the crazy side of the yard. It’s probably my quirky
Joe A. and I decided to take the week off for Memorial Day. As a reminder Memorial Day was started after the Civil War (originally called Decoration Day) to commemorate fallen soldiers. It later changed to Memorial Day but still honors those that died in battle serving our country. Thanks to all those that serve our
We’ve taken the day off for the Memorial Day holiday. After the holiday, we’ll be back to usual, with new posts Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Enjoy.
In case you haven’t realized: guys are visual creatures. It’s genetically true. Men have more cones in the center of their eyes than women do. I vaguely remember reading that men’s brains have a larger portion dedicated to visual stimuli or that vision is more directly wired to emotion or something like that. So, men
As Joe A. said in his recent blog, boys are indeed clueless when it comes to reading other people’s expressions. With the addition of technological blinders, they are even more unaware of what is going on around them. It doesn’t stop with boys. While driving my daughter off to volleyball practice, I asked her if
I opened up my cable bill and the price of my service had gone up $25. I have lived in Knoxville for 8 years and “Like the swallows returning to Capistrano” I annually call my cable company telling them my bill has gone up and I want it back at the same level. It’s the
I clicked on the internet the other day and saw that after 100 years the San Francisco restaurant, Sam Wo, which claimed to have the world’s rudest waiter had closed. A local Chinese restaurant, China Pearl, was apparently started by the same guy because the owner is such an incredible jerk, it just can’t be
A couple weeks ago the Mega-Millions jackpot reached 600-and-something-bazillion-dollars and I along with everyone else across the nation made sure I walked in to buy a ticket while gas flowed into my car. I typically don’t by lottery tickets unless the jackpot is over $100,000,000. Not because I don’t think $20 million isn’t enough money
Recently there was a $640 million Mega Millions lottery combining a few states’ lottery awards. People at work were pooling their money and sending a runner off to get a bunch of tickets. I can do math and understand that the bigger the pot, more people will buy tickets, increasing the odds of having to
I have asked for the exact same haircut for over 30 years now. Short on the sides (2 guard) and blend in slightly longer on top. It should be one of the least expensive and easiest haircuts in the universe to get correct. Apparently it’s not. I usually go to the same guy. He cuts
Well, in an attempt to keep all our readers out of trouble this weekend with a nice project, here are a few duct tape ideas to get the creative juices flowing. I know Joe A. will be working on the Batman Mask. As my first thought when I saw all the different projects was “Wow
I recently hurt my ankle and am now sentenced to the peculiar hell of crutches. My injury went something like: old man…ear infection…dizzy…fell down steps… conducted full body inventory while laying on the floor…hurt ankle…rest of body OK…didn’t take proper care of ankle…reinjured (worse than original injury)…I’m an idiot…crutches. Ta da! Ten easy steps to
As a kid, I used to get chocolate Easter bunnies with no ears. My mom had eaten them because she liked the solid parts. So, this struck a chord.
I recently walked into a Walgreen’s to pick up a pair of reading glasses. I put a pair in my wife’s purse at a recent volleyball tournament and forgot to get them out before I left for a weeklong training course (maybe I need a purse like Joe. Not yet). So any way I walked
I recently was in Washington, DC and had the honor of going around to all the cool national sites. My wife and I went into the National Archives, because there was a new exhibit on Benjamin Franklin, and it’s always good to see the documents that helped found our country. As there is usually a
So I got into the car the other day with 8 hours of driving ahead of me. I was heading off to my nephew’s house to see his new baby and then going on to Washington DC the next day for my daughter’s volleyball tournament. I am a good long distance driver. When MapQuest says
When you reach middle-age, it’s a lot tougher to make new friends. In fact, a recent episode of Modern Family depicts Phil getting really excited to finally make friends with the husband of the couple that has lived next door for years. It’s no coincidence that he’s in his son’s tree house at the time,
Here’s a link to a 2009 music video awards video created by Andy Sandberg. Enjoy.
We hit 100 blogs Wednesday. We are as shocked as anyone. What started as a lark, really an excuse for Matt W and me to talk often and BS about our lives without our wives complaining, “We should be more productive.” Well, how about 100 blogs. That’s pretty damned productive. We have enjoyed the evolution
In college, one of my suite mates took the “How well do you know women” quiz in that month’s addition of Playboy magazine. Thinking he did better than any of the rest could do, especially me, the Baptist, he made all of us take the quiz. I blew everybody away. Next to the number I
“Women are crazy and men are stupid.” This is a philosophy I’ve developed over the years. Well, it’s become more of a mantra than philosophy. This statement can be illustrated time and again in our daily lives. Everyone is familiar with how stupid boys are. Of course, when we’re young, we don’t realize how stupid
I have never been much of a new year’s resolution guy. Every once in a while I would say, “I’m going to lose 10 pounds, or work harder on my golf game,” but lacked the true desire to pursue these goals and watched my resolution peter out in days or weeks if I was lucky.
I found this blog post some time ago, but it still makes me laugh. It’s from a humor blogger David Thorne. His premise is usually a series of back and forth emails where he’s quite an ass, but in a funny clever way. Here’s the link.
I was walking through an upscale strip mall, the kind that they put nice signs and awnings on and therefore think you are willing to spend more money at. (I hate to break it to you designers, there’s no such thing as a nice strip mall.) Well, anyway, as I was walking, I noticed a
Welcome to the new and improved Male Pattern Madness 2012 website. For those of you who have faithfully followed us, you might have noticed a few upgrades during the last couple of weeks. A lot of upgrades went on behind the scenes, but the main focus of the upgrades was to make the readers’ experience
Top 10 Blogs of 2011 In the spirit of the holidays, we have created another post that allows us to spend precious time with our family and friends (be lazy). Joe A and Matt W have both weighed in on their favorite blogs of the year. Here are the 10 blogs that received the most
Joe A and I decided to start a blog a while ago, mainly to have an outlet for my ranting and his actual writing. Joe and I edit each other’s work and while the majority of my notes are “great work, post as is,” thankfully Joe’s edits of my work resemble my returned high school
It’s already been 6 months since we’ve started our middle-aged man blog. Writing 3 posts a week, we’ve actually accumulated quite a few posts. Here are my favorite Matt W posts from 2011. I often tease Matt W about how he’s just this side of being a crabby old man sitting on the porch yelling
In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I would come up with a list of the top ten toys from childhood. Here it is. 10. Slinky – They walk down stairs, alone or in pairs and make a slinkity sound. Never. They sucked. I only put it on my list to mock them. Next.
During the holiday season, whenever I see some mistletoe, I’m brought back to a fond memory of the best kiss ever. With all respect to my wife, the “best kiss” happened during high school a decade before I met her. And when I told her I was going to write about the best kisser in
As you know, Joe A and I throw out lists every once in a while for fun. Okay, really in order not have to write quite as much. When we stumble across any category containing books, they pretty much fall in my lap as Joe A prefers to get his entertainment viewing a screen. As
Starting a blog has been interesting for a variety of reasons. It’s fun to have an outlet to vent on a variety of subjects, and the increased time spent talking to Joe A. has been great. One part that I did not anticipate coming into blogging was the number of comments that we get regarding
The World Series is the culmination of another season of baseball, my favorite sport. It seems like I have always loved baseball. When I was a kid I collected baseball cards, like every other boy my age. Carl Yastrzemski was my favorite player, mostly because I liked his card the best. I also vividly remember
Perhaps you’ve seen the Captain of Industry wince as he cautiously reaches for his office door, fighting to maintain balance as he eases it shut. Maybe you’ve noticed the Sports Maniac hobble slowly to his seat in the grandstand, or maybe you’ve observed with shock and curiosity the Happy Hour Hound struggling to retrieve his
I recently had the opportunity to visit Jerusalem and spend a day walking through the Old City. There were many interesting parts to the city and after a while I found myself at the Western Wall. Now, the Western Wall is a very important place in many religions but for the Jewish people it is
As parents we are always trying to give our kids the best information for leading a long, healthy, happy, life. Relying on our life experiences, we offer pearls of wisdom that will hopefully persuade our children to travel down an easier path than we took. A girl I know decided to go to college at
Being middle-aged means you can’t make some jokes without getting into trouble. There have always been topics that you have to be careful about. The standards: politics, race, religion, are good ones to be careful about who is around. But now at our age, sex must be added to the list. Recently, our college-aged baby-sitter
Last week, Matt listed things he thought would help you determine if you were reading the right blog. Here is my list. 10. You don’t understand the attraction to tattoos. Tattoos are for sailors, bikers, or the Yakuza. 9. You don’t understand the attraction to texting. With a phone call, you can actually hear the
“Pick us up at PetSmart; we decided to walk over there,” was the text I got from my daughter. So I walk in and see her and her friend standing in front of the rescued kitten cages, Awesome! We get to have the puppy and/or kitten talk, two of my favorites. While my daughter’s friend
At Male Pattern Madness we celebrate being a middle-aged man. While there are a few perks associated with this time of life, there are also a few things that all men our age would rather do without. Here are my top ways you know you have picked the right blog to follow: 10. Your arms
When my wife said that she wanted to get the family a dog, my mind flashed on a brown and white, long haired collie. I wanted to get Lassie. Lassie was a dog that a man could love in a healthy manly way. Lassie lived with manly Forest Rangers. Lassie knew how to rescue people
Smart, well trained dogs are indeed “Man’s best friend.” Also there is nothing that makes you look better than your dog doing amazing things at your command. You do however need to keep them happy. I have a great dog. While I am not a chatty dog owner, everyone who knows me, knows how I
The other day I was trying to get a free one-way trip on United Airlines using miles as they are currently the only airline that offers this service. I have a few questions, so I decide to venture into the great customer service unknown. Companies today will do almost anything to keep you from talking
I have seen my wife and children try to plunge a toilet, and well, it is not a pretty site. While a disgusting job to start with, I am mostly referring to their utter lack of ability in getting the job done. I am acutely aware of the fact that they could be putting on
This humor blog is dedicated to the fellow Y-chromosomes out there who are stuck in the middle of life. Between our athletic peak and our aching back. Between our corporate overlords and the ungrateful employees we manage. Between, our demon offspring, our crotchety parents, and our wives/ex-wives/girlfriends/2nd wives/partners. For women who stumble upon this site: