posted by Matt W on December 17th, 2014

I received a text from a buddy the other day, “Hey, have you lost weight?”

As I have been recently packing on the pounds like a bear getting ready for hibernation, I texted back, “No, exactly opposite, and why do you ask?”

“You look skinnier in your Christmas card” was his reply.

All I’ve got to say is it’s about time.

For years my wife has pulled together all the family pictures she has that are Christmas card worthy over the course of the year and ranks them in the following way.

  1. Does she look good (hair, smile, clothes look nice, looks thin, etc.)? Check!
  2. Do all the children look good using the same criteria? Check!
  3. Is the dog looking at the camera? Check!
  4. Does Matt look absolutely hideous (at least 50 pounds heavier than he does in real life)? Check!

If all of the above criteria are met, it is our Christmas card. Every Christmas card we have sent out over the years my wife looks great, the kids look good, and I look like they found a fat homeless person to bring into the family for the year. “Oh how nice, their helping the homeless again this year, what a generous family.”

It pisses me off.

“Seriously honey, I didn’t think it was possible to find a worse picture of me than last year’s debacle, but congratulations, you pulled it off. ”

So a couple of years ago, I just got into the habit of tucking in my shirt, running my hand through my hair, and pulling in my gut anytime someone has a camera out. I have gotten to the point I can hold my breath for 5 minutes easy just in case someone snaps a random photo. I thought I was going to have a good picture last year with my new plan, but my wife found another fatty. She has a gift. But this year, even after packing on a few extra pounds and actually deserving to look fat, my plan actually worked. Apparently, there was not a single family photo that I looked awful in; as my wife had to pick a photo that I actually looked thin in.

Finally, a decent holiday card. It’s a Christmas miracle.

File Under Jack of all Trades