posted by Matt W on January 7th, 2015

So I was sitting at work prior to my anniversary thinking about what I should get my wife. I work in the Federal government and as it was the end of the year and no one was around, I was pretty bored. I wondered what anniversary theme was associated with the 27th, and clicked on the internet on my work computer. I try not to use my work computer for personal use because, well, that would make me a bad employee, and the whole federal government paranoia hacking stuff, but I was bored and hit enter.

27th Anniversary is the sculpture anniversary; who thinks up this crap (and as an aside, how do we get a power tool or sports equipment anniversary on the list)? Anyway, what kind of sculpture does one get there wife on their 27th? Well, interestingly enough there was an Amazon link “27th Anniversary sculptures”, how convenient, and I clicked on that link as well. I was directed to an Amazon page with a picture of a sculpture of a couple sitting together holding hands. I wasn’t thrilled by the sculpture and clicked to the next Amazon sculpture page. This sculpture was of a couple kissing, and again I wasn’t thrilled. Next. The next was a fairly obscure sculpture of a nude couple embracing one another, a very nice sculpture but at $1200, I wasn’t interested. Next. The next page was a very graphic, very detailed, sculpture of a couple having sex. I’m guessing my wife won’t want that sitting in the family room for all to see, just call it a hunch after 27 years, so I move on. Click, next.

The next picture was disturbing in many ways. As I tilt my head at a 45 degree angle to see whether there might indeed be an animal involved in this sculpture of a couples incredibly graphic sexual act, my first thought was, who on earth would buy that, followed by what the hell is Amazon thinking, followed by, holy shit, Big Brother is probably watching me on my federal computer. I’m going to get fired for looking at pornographic anniversary sculptures at work. I click on the red X in the corner of the web page in the same millisecond the thought enters my brain. I then proceed to clear my search history, empty the trash bin, and do a disk clean up  to eliminate as much evidence as possible and then decide to defrag my computer just in case.

What was I thinking?

Well, it’s been a couple weeks and I haven’t been fired yet, although this is the federal government so it might take a while for them to pull together a plan to get rid of me, but I will assume for the time being I’m safe. By the way I decided against the whole sculpture theme, as I don’t even want to imagine what the next picture might have contained. If I am still employed by the time next year’s anniversary rolls around, I feel pretty confident they won’t fire me. The gift for 28 years is orchids.

File Under Jack of all Trades