posted by Matt W on February 19th, 2014

So Joe A. once wrote about words he had learned from his wife. I thought I should write a blog about words my wife has learned from me. It was a disappointing list as all the words were made up and she rarely uses them.


So then I thought, I should just make a list of THINGS my wife has learned from me. Writers block kind of set in; it was a very tough list to come up with, and unlike my wife I don’t constantly remind my spouse what I have taught her. So, I went on the old world-wide-web and typed in “things husbands teach their wives.” There were hundreds of websites that told stories of things wives had taught their husbands but zero on things husbands had taught their wives. Wow, that was really disappointing. But now I had a challenge, the gauntlet had been set. So, here it is a list of things I have “taught” my wife.

Sarcasm is an under used form of humor (especially for women) – It’s always OK to make fun of someone or be sarcastic, but only if it’s genius-level funny. “Mean spirited or genius” is the line in our family. Genius humor is always appreciated.

You don’t always have to follow a recipe – My wife is a recipe follower. I am not… ever. Well, over the course of our marriage, my wife has learned to just make food without a real plan every once in a while, well without a regimented plan. She actually eats her creations. She still bakes from recipes, but someday I have faith she will throw something in just to “see what happens.” I do it all the time and eat most of my creations.

Anything to do with the TV – Starting with how to turn it on and ending with how to turn it off, I have literally taught my wife everything about television.  I will say I do lean heavily on Joe A. with my TV questions so technically Joe A. has taught my wife most everything to do with the TV. Thanks Joe (but I’m still counting this).

If the tool to fix something is not in the tool drawer in the kitchen please wait until I get home – There is a drawer in the kitchen with a tape measure, a Phillips screwdriver, a standard screwdriver, and a pair of pliers (the pliers are only for emergencies). Typically, if the repair requires something more than these basic tools, I hurt myself in the process.  So, I’m not being chauvinistic, it is actually a nice gesture on my part to want to do it. I’m taking one for the team.

And speaking of pliers, why is it always a pair? I get the whole two pieces thing but when would you use them separately? It’s like pants or underwear, “Yes I would just like a pant, only one of my legs typically gets cold. And a belt… definitely a belt.” And speaking of two, if this is the prevailing logic, why isn’t it a pair of bras. Anyway, I seriously digress, next.

Anything to do with the outdoors – No really, anything outdoors. Well, with the possible exception of landscape type ideas, she does like to tell me what to do in this arena (By the way, I have a degree in Landscape Architecture).

How to plunge a toilet – I came home the other day and the plunger was in the bathroom and the toilet was working. Hmmmm? When questioned, my wife had actually plunged the toilet. Miracle of miracles! Lord have mercy!  Although, like a UFO siting, I’m a little skeptical it was actually clogged. I have not seen her actually plunge, but the toilet did function correctly. And a few days later, I came home to the plunger actually in the toilet but the toilet was still clogged. She has done it once (supposedly).

I will admit, in looking back at my attempted lists, it was far easier to come up with things my wife had taught me. Apparently, there is a reason for the bagillion web posts on the subject.

File Under King of the Castle