posted by Matt W on July 18th, 2012

Well, recently my daughter’s teammates were lightheartedly making fun of her and another girl for wearing granny panties. Seriously? I was at the Victoria Secret with my wife when she bought my daughter’s underwear, and let’s just say you could make 15 pair of her panties out of one pair of my boxers. When I do laundry, I need my reading glasses to actually find all of them in the dryer. Granny panties? The only thing I could envision any smaller would resemble dental floss and a Band-Aid.

The truly crazy part of this is that my daughter and all her teammates are 14. What does a 14-year-old need to be wearing a thong for? I’ll tell you what for. The only logical reason for that small of underwear is that if the underwear were any bigger you would be able to see them under their unbelievably small shorts and dresses. As a father, I would just prefer 14-year-old girls wear more clothing. I’m personally not a big fan of the “all the other girls are wearing it” argument but I will concede that most stores don’t actually even sell age appropriate clothes anymore.

My daughter is very tall and thin and so admittedly she wears a pretty small size for her height, but she was recently trying on dresses, and the length of every dress was the same or shorter than the length of every dress worn by every street-walker in every movie I’ve ever seen. As my daughter tried on dresses, I was embarrassed to be near the dressing room watching all these scantily clad girls come out until finally I walked away because I thought if I stayed any longer I was going to hell. You want to know why more and more 14-year-olds are having sex, “THEY’RE DRESSED LIKE HOOKERS.” Now I’m not a prude, and I personally think women are beautiful and can wear whatever they like to show off their bodies, but that’s women. Barely-teenage girls should wear burlap; from head to toe.

We fathers need a little help. Mothers, clothing designers, everyone else who can help, put more clothes on our teenage daughters. Now the burlap comment may be a little overboard, well probably, (I could be talked back into it) but shorts with an actual inseam, dresses that cover at least half a thigh, and shirts that actually cover their entire bra would be nice. I know, when they go off to college, all bets (and bras for that matter) are off. But until then, let’s have our girls dress like girls. Please?

File Under Jack of all Trades, King of the Castle