posted by Matt W on April 1st, 2015

Over the years my wife and Joe A. have told me on many occasions my life would be easier with a purse.


Now they don’t actually call it a purse, substituting, Satchel, or Mantchel, or whatever lame ass name for a purse they can come up with, but bottom-line it’s a purse. Earlier in my manhood, the thought of carrying a purse was distasteful at best, but after years of buying birth control, tampons, and holding my wife’s purse in every embarrassing location has taken away most of my manliness anyway. Now, it’s just the fact that it is a royal pain to deal with (especially when you’re not used to it) that keeps my pockets full.

So you are probably saying to yourself, “Why did Matt W. try a purse in the first place? Well, there were some seemingly good reasons to carry a purse that in the end couldn’t overcome the sucktitude of pursedom. The first go at a purse was my chiropractor telling me having a wallet in my back pocket threw everything out of alignment. After I lost my wallet trying to carry it in a purse, I decided I would rather go to the chiropractor every few months for an adjustment. Then came the epi-pen. I was receiving allergy shots and had a bad reaction and they gave me an epi-pen to carry around. I lost my keys, an epi-pen (which seems particularly bad), and a pair of sunglasses that time. Nope. And most recently I purchased a larger smartphone so I could actually see the screen and decided to try the purse losing game again, and so far I’m down a set of keys, sunglasses, and my favorite reading glasses. Over the course of my adult life, the items above are also pretty much the only items I have ever lost. The reason for this blog was I spent 4 hours this weekend looking for my keys unsuccessfully.

When I choose to use a purse to carry these items, I still naturally want to place them in my pockets when I am finished with them as I have been placing things in my pockets for 50 years now. Then I think, no I need to place the item back in my pursy type thing and then I think, where the hell is my purse. As an aside, so far in life I have never misplaced the pants that I was in the process of wearing. I am not saying it won’t ever happen, but so far I haven’t ended up pantsless in public. So anyway, I usually try tracking down the purse and invariably put down the things I’m trying to place in the purse and lose them in the process. It’s a freaking mess. Now I guess there could be an argument made that I should just keep going and get over the newness of carrying a purse, but how many more wallets and keys will I have to lose to get there? And in the end I’ll still be carrying a freakin purse. Finally, I am ornery as hell during purse time, so I’m actually saving my marriage and friendships by throwing by back out of alignment.

So there you have it, purses suck. And as soon as they eliminate cell phones, which also suck (currently the only reason I would consider a purse), I’ll be golden again. Then all I’ll have to worry about is keeping that pants-on-in-public streak intact.



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