posted by Matt W on March 25th, 2015

My wife and I were shopping at Costco over the weekend. It was a typical Costco shopping adventure. We walked in needing “Fruit, bread, and some beverages” and walked out with $487 of assorted stuff we have absolutely no chance of using before it rots. Seriously, how does that happen? I think we would save $3000 a year by dropping our Costco membership and more importantly 25 pounds. Anyway, off my Costco soapbox.

We were walking through Costco and my wife apparently walked up to me with a box of olives in hand and asked if I thought that purchasing olives in bulk was a good idea. She insists that she walked the container back down the aisles and put them away.

In my defense, I was focusing on the Costco employee who was pulling around a pallet jack with something obviously stuck to one of the wheels that was making an incredible racket. (Seriously people, if something is making that loud of a noise there is usually something wrong.)

Having second thoughts my wife walked back, picked up the olives, and apparently again stated that she thought it would be a good idea to get the olives and put them in the cart. It probably was about the same time I was thinking about going back for mini-sausage free-sample seconds.

In my defense, my wife is a vegetarian and I don’t get too many sausage opportunities; I was distracted.

I then proceeded to walk down the aisle that she had apparently walked up and down numerous times in my Costco stupor, and I made the comment, “Hey maybe we should get some olives, what do you think?” My wife thought I was being sarcastic and so lacking in humor she ignored me.

As we are walking out of the store, I have to hand the Costco police my receipt. She randomly looks at my mound-o-gluttony, counts a few pieces, decides that it is a perfect match with my receipt (she had no clue), and gives me the all-important highlighter swipe signaling my exit. (I always wonder what they would do if I just made a run for it.) Anyways, it was then I see how much money we have spent, and apparently “inappropriately” say “Holy Sh#*balls, that’s a lot of money, what did we buy?” My wife says, “Language… and I was just saying how much money we spent. Where were you?”

In my defense, there were a lot of tires on sale right by the exit.

As I was loading up the car, I noticed that we bought olives and asked my wife when she had put them in the cart. She doesn’t think my sarcasm is all that funny this time either. And then it clicks in her head, Male Pattern Hearing; I hadn’t heard a single thing she had said in Costco unless we made eye contact (and it was debatable that I had even heard her then). I will admit I really have a gift when it comes to blocking out comments and questions, especially when there are so many other things going on. All husbands and fathers do. And who am I kidding; my sons are amazing at it as well.

Male Pattern Hearing.

Well, I probably need to pay a little more attention to what my wife says, at least in Costco. My wallet and waistline can’t handle many more trips like that.

File Under King of the Castle, Mr. Cool