posted by Matt W on August 22nd, 2012

I have 9 pillows on my bed. I use 2 to sleep with and my wife also uses 2 for actual pillow-like purposes. There are 2 big pillows that if my wife isn’t in the bedroom, I use to sit up in bed with. But they are actually there as a “foundation layer” for the other pillows. The three smaller pillows are on my bed to “really pull the room together.” Every night I set (throw if my wife is not around) the pillows either into the chair next to our bed or onto the floor. In the morning, either my wife or I make the bed and place the 9 pillows perfectly in place for another day of being seen by absolutely no one.

My bedroom is actually the closest to what my vision of normal should be.

My daughter has 18 pillows in her room, I counted; she uses 1 to sleep with. She pushes all her pillows into the abyss on the far side of her bed at night; the gap between her bed and the wall is literally stuffed with pillows. The pillow abyss reminds me of when I was in college, we had a sunken seating area in the lobby of our dorm and every once in a while there would be an announcement over the intercom for everyone to bring their pillows to the lobby, and we would all throw our pillows into the abyss and then proceed to throw each other into, jump into and do flips into the huge pile of pillows. Now, that was a good use of a pillow. My daughter complains when her mother asks her to pull them out every once in a while and make her bed. My solution is always quite simple, get rid of 17 of them.

But the pillows that I really don’t understand are our family room pillows. There are 8 pillows on our couch and 2 chairs. Each of these pillows have a “no falling asleep and drooling on them” policy that is strictly enforced. If you would like a sleep pillow, a relax-with pillow, or just a general “use a pillow the way a pillow was intended to be used” pillow, there is a pile of pillows behind the couch that are specifically made to be drooled on. I pity the fool that is ever caught with a fake pillow that has a big drool circle on it from when he “accidentally” fell asleep watching a boring girly movie with his wife in our house. (Oh, that fool would be me.) Thank god she didn’t notice I had wiped the popcorn grease off my hands on the back of the nice pillow before I fell asleep. When I first met Joe A.’s wife, I was told she had spent hundreds of dollars on a  “decorative” pillow (crazy). If I had drooled on that pillow, my wife would have killed me.

Really though, a pillow should be used like a pillow, and every once in a while you pull off the cover, throw it in the washer, and presto, a new pillow. If you want art on your bed or couch, design a frame that is easy to move, or get a projector and project images on your furniture. If men cared at all about crap like that, it would already be done. And pillows could then be used for their intended purpose, as pillows.

File Under Jack of all Trades