posted by Matt W on February 13th, 2013

Sometimes I think women are speaking a different language than men. While the words make sense grammatically, the combination of words is indeed foreign and confusing to me. Here are some examples. “Why don’t you try a veggie dog instead of a brat?” or “I threw away your favorite Seahawks sweatshirt because it had a hole in it.” Or how about when you were young and your totally-naked-for-the-first-time girlfriend said, “I think we should take things slowly.” The words make absolutely no sense. But the one that baffles me on a continuous basis is, “Help me pick up the house, the housekeeper is coming today.”

Cleaning up before a housekeeper arrives on the scene is crazy. Isn’t the whole point of paying someone else to clean your house, is so you don’t have to? It’s crazy talk.

Housekeepers have always been baffling breed to me anyways. Over the years, we haven’t had the best luck and usually fire them shortly after hiring them. Years ago, we had a housekeeper, Dorothy, who was indeed in need of institutionalization, but she cleaned our house really well for a fair price. Our contractor triangle was low price, high quality, and sanity and we picked the first two. I’m sure you think that is incredibly mean, but in my defense, she had been married five times, four to the same guy, and she only used her own vacuum, which had a name and she carried it between each job on the bus. And those were the most normal things about her. As crazy as she was, Dorothy was our best housekeeper.

We have had some awful ones since Dorothy. For example, one time when I was home, a different housekeeper was texting a lot. I said, “Why don’t you text when you’re done cleaning?” “Oh, I am just trying to reschedule an appointment with another client” was her response.  “Well then why don’t you tell me when you clean their house so I can do some scheduling then?” We let her go shortly thereafter.

While our housekeepers have been a motley crew at best, again what really gets me is having to pick up before they even get to the house. Our current housekeeper does a pretty nice job, despite needing a pretty hefty pre-clean swoop to really get the job done to my wife’s standards. So, by my only standard of “how much housekeeping do I have to do,” she sucks. “Matt W., why don’t you pick up the living room, clean up the kitchen and run a quick load of dishes through the dishwasher before the housekeeper gets here?” “Because we have kids and a housekeeper that we are paying a lot of money to do that crap.” is my standard reply as I start picking up the numerous pillows in the living room and put them back in their “correct” place. It makes me miss crazy Dorothy, and wonder where she is these days and how many more times she has re-married her ex?-husband.

File Under King of the Castle