First of all, I would like to say the 4th this year was very nice. The weather was perfect. We sat out on our porch in the cool summer breeze and played games pretty much all day and ate all sorts of wonderful foods. Very relaxing and tasty. In the morning, I made perfect scones.

I went back to my home town for a vacation recently. It was nice to hang around the old stomping grounds. While a lot has changed, the places that are still there also seemed different in many ways. As I was driving past my old high school, I noticed an old concrete wall, a wall

A while ago, we were all watching a TV show and there was a sexual reference that my son and I chuckled at but my wife didn’t get. It was fun to watch my son explain to his mother what the sexual innuendo actually meant in terms that wouldn’t get him thrown out of the

My daughter called me in a panic the other day as she had forgotten to bring her folder for school that she keeps all her assignments in. Because she needed to turn in multiple assignments, I threw her a bone and brought it to her. I meander into the school past the playfield where a

Seventeen years ago,I took the kids to Dominos to pick up a pizza. I was mostly just trying to get them out of my wife’s hair as she prepared for the company that was coming over. As my boys were hyped up, taking them to Dominos was mostly an exercise in herding them and the

Recently Joe A. and I have increasingly been having problems with our website, especially with regards to links and comments. We have decided that enough is enough and will be attempting to fix it once and for all (or at least until something else breaks or the Facebook overlords decide to screw us again). While we

Because of all we have in our great country it is easy for me to forget about all those who laid down there lives for us even a few days after Memorial Day. Remember.

At work every Monday morning an employee is asked to present on a topic generally related to safety or greater workplace effectiveness. Over the years I have presented on topics ranging from Carcinogens in the Workplace, to our company’s Occupational Medicine standard, to my last one on how to properly use a fire extinguisher. Basically

Well, as we come to an end of spring football week at Male Pattern Madness, we thought we would leave you with one more little stab at the hated Patriots. As they have proven themselves to be cheaters on many occasions in the past (If you really want to get Joe A. riled up just

This week Joe A. Wrote about the Seahawks personnel process. They are a very interesting team because they aren’t afraid to do things differently. There have been 100′s of stories already this offseason about how they like to transition defensive lineman to the offensive line. Well even though it is almost impossible to read the seahawks coaching minds, I

I was listening to the radio in Chicago while I was there for training. Now, I always like stories about dumb criminals. There is just always something funny about someone catching themselves for the cops. I always appreciate the Darwin awards every year. But this one might be my favorite. So this guy robs a

I am a Vegetarian… by marriage. Years ago my wife read a couple of books about the evils of the meat industry, and becoming a vegetarian, and for the last 15 years or so she has been a vegetarian. When we moved to Tennessee and she realized they really only eat meat here, and have

This week we wrote about the many differences between men and women shopping. I found a few comics on the subject to share as well.          Have a great Male Pattern Madness Weekend!    

I’m a pretty good shopper… for a guy. But I have my limits. My wife asks me to come along fairly often so I must not be that awful. I think I have good taste, know what looks good on my wife, and know what she is willing to purchase. I am pretty tall and

I have been a part of some pretty impressive projects during my career. A lot of quality work went into these projects and it is always nice to see the fruits of these labors. Recently, I was in Las Vegas and went hiking in the foothills just outside the city and there was an exhibit

So here I am sitting in the airport and realizing I forgot to post a blog. I then remembered that I was part of the 21st century and had a smartphone. This is my attempt to post a few comics that I’ve seen over the last month that I thought were funny while sitting in

So over the course of marriage and fatherhood, especially when you’re the father of a girl, you sometimes do things that aren’t exactly Male Pattern Madness blog material. As my sons have moved out of the house and it is now just me and the women folk, the estrogen level in the house is staggering.

Over the years my wife and Joe A. have told me on many occasions my life would be easier with a purse. LIARS! Now they don’t actually call it a purse, substituting, Satchel, or Mantchel, or whatever lame ass name for a purse they can come up with, but bottom-line it’s a purse. Earlier in

So I typed in Male Pattern Hearing into the old world wide web and a link to male pattern blindness popped up. I clicked on it and I thought it was pretty funny. By the way, my wife “found” my keys on my desk the other day. The MyLifeSuckers website seems pretty funny, in a

My wife and I were shopping at Costco over the weekend. It was a typical Costco shopping adventure. We walked in needing “Fruit, bread, and some beverages” and walked out with $487 of assorted stuff we have absolutely no chance of using before it rots. Seriously, how does that happen? I think we would save

This week I wrote about how kids are doing chores less and less. Unfortunately I might be part of the problem. Anyway I saw this cartoon and it made me laugh. Enjoy!     Have a great Male Pattern Madness Weekend!                    

The other day I was in a meeting at work waiting for my part of the discussion. I was bored and knew I had 10 minutes before I needed to pay attention. The meeting was in a large conference room that just happened to have a big TV in the corner and FOX news was

Everyone that has ever read a blog here at Male Pattern Madness knows that Joe A. and I are big Seahawk fans (Go Hawks!). But over the years my favorite team has always been the Seattle Mariners. Every February when pitchers and catchers report, there is a bit of a jump in my steps for

Joe A and I have been talking about building tiny houses a lot lately. The more I look into them the more I think that what I really want/need is a humongous house with only a couple rooms. Think 2000 square foot one bedroom apartment with high ceilings, large doorways, and counter-tops 6 inches higher

I recently stayed at Joe A.’s house and a major topic of discussion was our mutual desire to construct a tiny house. During one of these conversations, our wives chimed in that we should buy a piece of property in a nice location and build each couple a tiny house on the property. Interesting. My

I have 3 Hammers. I have: -          a Vaughan 27 oz. hickory handled framer, -          a Stanley 20 oz. fiberglass long handled hammer, and -          a small older finish hammer that lost its markings, probably before I was born. I have 3 perfect hammers. I keep them all in my carpentry tool box and use

For the first couple of decades of my marriage I always got a two pound box of dark chocolate caramels for my wife every Valentine’s Day. While don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the ease of selecting the gift, it did have a nice sentiment as well. Double Bonus, easy and thoughtful… a husbands

Everyone I know is feeling them. Here are the 7 stages of a Super Bowl loss for a 12. Shock and Disbelief – The 12 may not be able to comprehend that the Super Bowl has really ended without another championship as we had the ball at the one yard line with Marshawn Lynch in the backfield,

Most Seahawks fans are disconsolate these days. It’s going to take a while to get over this one. We were so close to victory and then in an instant it was all gone. As I can’t imagine anyone doesn’t know what happened, I think it was the most highly viewed show in US history, I

It is always amazing to me what people will lie about. As a parent, I have heard my share of fibs and I always find myself thinking, “Why did you choose to bend the truth here when reality was a non-punishable crime? The lie was actually worse.” We don’t get any smarter as adults. Early

Joe A. and I both posted this week on our beloved Seattle Seahawks. As they prepare for the Super Bowl the main question on most peoples minds this week will be, how is Belichick going to try to cheat. Well, I personally think it will be a great game and all the footballs will be

The football jersey I’ve always wanted is a Sonny Sixkiller, University of Washington jersey with the huge old style 6 on it. I have never seen one, and haven’t had a football jersey until recently because of it. I have followed the Seattle Mariners for years. I was a big Alvin Davis fan and once

Early on in my marriage, I worked full time and my wife worked part time. She did most of the housework in this arrangement including cooking. When my wife’s job became full time, I still did very little housework, and it took me a while to realize how irritated she was with me. Guys are

Joe A. and I have always been drawn to excellent cartoons and comics. The people behind the pencil have always brought excitement and laughter into our lives. This makes what happened in France this week make even less sense than most extremist actions. Anyway, I saw this tribute and thought I would post. When you

So I was sitting at work prior to my anniversary thinking about what I should get my wife. I work in the Federal government and as it was the end of the year and no one was around, I was pretty bored. I wondered what anniversary theme was associated with the 27th, and clicked on

People often ask me why I blog and the answer is always the same. I get to hang out on the phone with Joe on a weekly basis and laugh. We laugh a lot on the phone. If I had to guess I would say that for every blog one of us writes, there are

Joe and I would like to thank all of  you for following our madness again this year. Have a great holiday season and we hope you decide to join in the middle-age mayhem again next year.

For many years, we picked out a beautiful noble fir every year for Christmas. At first, when it was just me and my wife, we went to the local lot. Then with the kids we made more of a day out of it and went to a tree farm and picked a perfect tree to

I received a text from a buddy the other day, “Hey, have you lost weight?” As I have been recently packing on the pounds like a bear getting ready for hibernation, I texted back, “No, exactly opposite, and why do you ask?” “You look skinnier in your Christmas card” was his reply. All I’ve got

As everyone should know by now Joe A. and I are big Seahawks fans. To get you in the Holiday Spirit and also get you psyched for the upcoming Super Bowl, I thought I would share a video of someone who really gets into the holiday/sports season. Enjoy!    

Toward the end of my senior year in high school I was called to the principal’s office. As I couldn’t remember any recent principal worthy crimes, I started wondering what I had done that the high school statute of limitations hadn’t run out on. Did they finally figure out it was me that super glued

Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Last year in a moment of food preparation frustration, I suggested to my wife that we have pizza this year instead turkey. She agreed. I was so excited about her positive response that I wrote about it in my Make Mine a Sausage And Mushroom post-Thanksgiving blog that

Happy black Friday everyone. I plan on celebrating by not going near a store today. Well, I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday. First and most importantly, my entire family was home for the first time in a long time. It felt really good. Pie. The turkey turned out excellent. I always worry

“You were right, I should have taken lessons,” my daughter said to me in the middle of her doing–the-dishes choir medley. I knew exactly what she was talking about. A couple years ago I had suggested that my daughter take singing lessons, because it seemed to me like singing would always be an important part

When I was in 10th grade, I went golfing with my buddy Andy. We were put in a group with two men in their sixties who had been best friends all their lives. One was very small and quiet, and a really good golfer. The other was incredibly loud, talked non-stop (he was the county

Serving your country comes in many forms; we all have the opportunity to serve our country on a daily basis. But as we just celebrated Veterans Day, this is a time to hold our troops above the rest and celebrate the amazing contribution each person has made for our country serving in the Armed Forces.

I go to Starbucks for lunch almost every workday. I have a triple tall Americano with an inch of room. $2.91… every day. Now I have read all the life-long savings books about the best way to save money for the future is to cut out the daily, fill in the blank, which in my

I was in New York last week for Data Center Energy Manager training. I walked into the room fairly close to the start of class and took the one remaining seat. I noticed something seemed odd. There were only men in the class, no women. One Latino, one Black man, and ten White men made

I read an interesting quote the other day. “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  As I didn’t know who said it, I typed it in to the ole internet and “voilà”, Jim Rohn motivational speaker was attributed with this quote. As the picture associated with the quote

I try not to be one of the paranoid people who over-reacts to current events. I haven’t gone out and bought a gun, I don’t have 3 years worth of food stock-piled in my house, and I don’t own a haz-mat suit. But as I head to New York City for training I have had

The other day I invited Joe A. to join me cross-country at a Seahawks football game. Because of some lame excuse (family), he had to decline. So I texted my wife “Joe bailed. Pansy!” and she immediately replied, “Wuss.” Three things caught my attention. First my wife called Joe a wuss. I laughed. Second, it

I have never been a fan of pit-bulls, or to be more precise pit-bulls with bad owners. And as pit-bulls aren’t required to wear color coded collars showing their owners competence level, they all scare me. As I am a big guy, I have never personally feared for myself with regards to a pit-bull. Not

All around the world there are interesting and scary things happening every day. As I watch the news at night I am constantly reminded we have it pretty good here in the old US of A. I saw this comic and thought it summed up just how good we have it. And I’m sure even

I am a die-hard Seattle Mariners and Seahawks fan. These days, people understand the Seahawks allegiance as we are the reigning Super Bowl Champions. No one really understands my undying loyalty to the Mariners. What can I say? I’m a fan, which means that I currently think that the Seahawks will repeat as Champions (semi-rational

Kids are expensive. Crazy expensive. You hear estimates all the time like “$250,000 a kid” but even that staggering number seems low. Diapers and formula, turn into cute little toddler clothes and cheerios, and all the sudden you’re buying your son a beer. Cash has hemorrhaged from my wallet for sports, college, eating out, and

I got a kick out of this quote a while back and remembered it after reading Joe’s post this week about all the awkward questions people ask, especially at weddings. Enjoy.   Have a great MPM weekend!    

I walked into a restroom the other day and moseyed on up to the urinal. It was abnormally high. I mean really high to the point that most people would be aiming up. While I wasn’t on my tippy toes or anything like that, my first thought was, “it was a good thing I’m over

Living in the South for the last decade has introduced me to some interesting ways of saying things. Y’all, you’ins and fixin have all been used by people around me far too frequently. ”I might, could do that,” is my favorite “least favorite” way of saying things. You might do that or you could do

Joe A. and I always talk about the internet and how big brother is becoming more and more a part of our lives. The web constantly amazes me with how well the ads I see while surfing match with my actual purchasing tendencies. E-mail, not so much. You would think that they could just ask

The Seattle Seahawks are the only team with a winning record in the NFL after last nights game, and I see a lot a wins in their future. Undefeated Super Bowl Champions has a nice ring to it. You better watch out Miami, we’re coming after your record this year! Go Seahawks and have a great

Well I hate to break it to all the members of other demographics but middle-aged men are the best drivers, period. First let me say that it is truly unfortunate that we live in a society where the issues of older people aren’t discussed more seriously. We have created a car society, putting many citizens

As I watched the nightly news yesterday, there was a segment about people on airlines using a wedge device to restrict the chair in front of them from reclining. Apparently, a plane was re-routed and two people were actually kicked off the plane for arguing over the use of the device. Wow, I could have

And because everything that Gary Larsen ever did is revered here at Male Pattern Madness, a vegetarian comic for your enjoyment. Have a Great MPM weekend!

I enjoy cooking and eating; especially eating. Many years ago, my wife decided to become a vegetarian and ever since my whole food world has changed. And while I am not personally a vegetarian, I’m married to one which for all intents and purposes is exactly the same thing. The big reason is meat for

My mother-in-law was visiting from out of town recently and my wife and I went with her to the local mall to do a bit of shopping. While in Belk department store, her I-Phone made a cha-ching sound, like the ringing of an old time cash register. I thought that was an interesting ring tone

Lately my son has been distracted by my gray eyebrow hairs. He wants me to pluck them. I always just say “Have at it if it bothers you so much,” and he usually backs down. It reminded me of an old ZITS cartoon.               Enjoy and have a great MPM

While I was writing a recent blog, I was having a hard time coming up with the term “common sense.” After thinking for a while, I finally came up with the phrase, but then it struck me, the reason I was struggling so much was I hadn’t heard anyone use the phrase in years. And

I pulled into the Fred Meyer parking lot in a bit of a hurry. I got out of the car and as I rapidly headed toward the front door I saw a young man, about 25 years old, standing next to a car. A young woman about the same age was approaching the car with

This past weekend, the family was out working in the yard, typical yard clean-up stuff: mowing, edging, weeding, and we even pulled out an old dying bush. As the yard work was winding down, I remembered that I had asked my son to wax his car (more accurately MY car that he happens to get

After my little weight gain this July Fourth, all I can think about recently is pie. It reminded me of a picture I saw of the perfect pie chart. Enjoy!

I like to listen to music at work. Pandora is one of the few websites that makes it through the federal firewall so, there you have it. For the uninitiated, Pandora is a website that allows you to plant a “seed” of a song or artist you like and it will use a sophisticated algorithm

Yesterday, I was driving home with my son, and noticed that I was fast approaching empty. As my current car has a “miles to empty” feature, and I have gotten to zero on more than one occasion and not ran out of fuel, I wasn’t worried. Every extra mile I drive on a tank of

I’m a slow talker. Really, I am. What I didn’t know was how slow of a listener I am. My dog recently had to spend a few days at the Vet Hospital (for all you Sundance fans out there he is doing quite well now). He had a very nice Vet in charge of his

Fortunately for two guys that blog about their life experiences, Joe A. and I have two strong, independent wives. As both are smart, strong feminist women who like to lead, there isn’t much Joe and I can blog about that our wives haven’t already heard worse in the workplace or in other parts of their

I’ve been married for 26 years. Now that my wife is used to my bluntness and knows how my twisted mind works, there are a few things I will say that I wouldn’t have said early on in our eternal union. The fact that she knows I love her and I’m probably not going anywhere

Recently I was hanging out at Joe A.’s house. He wanted me to help him change out a sliding glass door. Cool, we like hanging out doing middle-age manly things. Bring it on. There are two identical sliding doors opening to his deck and the sliding mechanism on the main door was wearing out making

Joe A. shared his wedding advice for all aspiring grooms this week. Here is a little advice someone shared with me a long time ago, but unfortunetely after I had already set the date. February 29th, Genius!                         Have a great Male Pattern Madness

I recently had the privilege of spending the night in the Chicago Airport. Nasty weather had diverted our Chicago flight to Des Moines, and when we finally arrived in Chicago, our connecting flight had been cancelled. They booked us on a flight leaving the next morning. They handed us a half-off hotel pass and mentioned

As with most everything in this world, when I think of Godzilla and atomic bombs I think of The Far Side. Gary Larson just had a way of capturing my thoughts, and then taking them to bizarre and wonderful levels. As I watched the Godzilla movie one of my main take aways was that humans

The other day I was working on a project with a colleague that I don’t typically work with. We were looking down an inventory sheet and she noticed the person responsible for all the radios was Brian. She didn’t know who he was. I said, “Brian, the radio guy.” Nothing. She asked what he looked

I like to get the occasional massage. I had a couple of disks fused in my neck and while the surgery was a huge success, my neck tends to stiffen up every once in a while as I always tended to carry my stress in my neck and shoulders. Having someone really go after all

Years ago when I was young and naive, I thought I could coach just about any team better than their current coach. Why is Renee Lachemann (Mariners) bringing in Bobby Ayala? Why did Chuck Knox (Seahawks) run up the middle for the sixth straight time? Why is my son’s little league coach calling for the

I love the red sky. In the late afternoon, I like to sit on my front patio (usually with my dog) and look at the red sky. My favorite time is when the sun is recently down and the red sky fades into a dark navy blue sky filled with stars. It’s amazing. Mornings in

When I was in college, my roommate Danny, like most starving students, had very long hair and very little money. One day, he had had enough of his mop top and asked where he could get it cut “inexpensively.” I mostly ignored his question, until a spectacular idea popped into my head. I said “I’ve

It was Earth Day this week. Yea! Earth Day offers an excellent opportunity to discuss some of the issues that impact our planet in a fairly non-combative way. I’ve always liked that. Now we just need to work on the other 364 days of the year. Be good to our planet every day. Have a great

As a father, I am very familiar with the concept of spending less time on a project if I just did it myself.  While in theory having my sons mow the lawn might have saved me time, in reality with all the time I spent asking them to get started, in addition to the amount

I like to listen to something when I drive. There are times when the quiet solitude of a car ride is refreshing, but I’m usually listening to something to pass the time. And over most of my adult life, three things have been the majority of my car listening experience: books on tape, phone conversations, and NPR.

Joe A. wrote this week that people assume you are checking off items from your bucket list anytime you do something cool after a certain age.  Apparently, they are expecting you to kick the bucket shortly. I personally have a “50 things to do in my 50′s” list to eliminate the whole death thing from my current

I am a big Seattle Mariners fan, so I drove the 80 mile trek to see a Jackson Generals game, the Seattle Mariners AA farm club. (Baseball is awesome.) As I’m driving, I come up behind a white SUV in the left lane that is going far slower than I want to be going. Anyone

Let me just start out by saying, it is a weird movie. While I don’t want to give anything away, it definitely had a Holy Bible meets Lord of the Rings feel to me. It’s not going to win the academy award this year for best picture, but is definitely worth a watch. OK, let’s

I have always enjoyed March Madness. To me it is a more cerebral look at college basketball. I sit down with a bracket and reflect on the season, and then methodically move from spot to spot until I crown a national champion. Then the actual tournament starts and I get to see how well I

My recurring nightmare. God help us all!                                     Joe A. and I are celebrating spring break this week which means there will probably be a vacation blog or two in your future. By the way, today’s cartoon was created by

Every year I fill out a bracket for March Madness mostly just to say I did. I have turned some of them in for office pools (I do pretty well) and have given them to my children for school pools (my daughter won pizza last year by beating her teachers bracket), but mostly just do

So, I’m at the vet with my dog. My dog had been really sick and this was just one of those follow-up type appointments to bilk me out of a few more dollars, because my dog can’t talk and say he’s fine. But as with most other vet customers, it was for my dog so

On Monday, Joe A. wrote about how his mother thought he should go into computers and his aptitude tests directed him toward a career in the circus. Apparently every once in a while you should listen to your mother. Nah. Well anyway, as I had recently written about bees, I remembered a comic about bee career

So on the opening night of the movie Monuments Men, my wife and daughter and I break the first rule of movie viewing, “If a movie is over advertised, don’t go, because it’s probably not that good.” But my daughter wanted to see it and it turned out to be a solid movie. Not academy

There’s a funny story about how I met my next door neighbor in the first house my wife and I owned. We had been living in our new house as newly-weds a couple of weeks and hadn’t introduced ourselves to our neighbors yet. I noticed that my next-door neighbor had three bee hives in his back yard up

Joe A. and I talk a lot about the staggereing level of entitlement combined with complete unawareness the younger generations display. I was recently reminded of this great Saturday Night Live skit. I hope you enjoy. The last line is my favorite.                 I also just read this article

So Joe A. once wrote about words he had learned from his wife. I thought I should write a blog about words my wife has learned from me. It was a disappointing list as all the words were made up and she rarely uses them. Next. So then I thought, I should just make a

The other day I received a phone call while I was making dinner. I didn’t recognize the number. “Hello.” “Are you missing something?” said the man on the other end. “I’m sorry, what do you mean?” is my confused reply. “Are you missing something?” he again questioned. “I have no clue what you are talking

We won the Super Bowl! I say we because I am a 12. 700,000 of my fellow 12′s show’d up to celebrate the Seahawks Super Bowl Victory. I wish I could have been there.     This is the first in a long line of Seattle Championships. Go Seahawks and go 12′s!

While I am not a huge fan of trash talking while playing sports, I do like the witty side of smack talk associated with sporting events. And as my Seahawk team was in the Super Bowl this past Sunday, there has been a lot of opportunity for smack talk in my life lately. I live in

I recently turned fifty. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. 50. FIFTY. 50. Fifty is one of those ages that people don’t let you pass through quietly. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the words colonoscopy, hearing aid, and prune juice. According to my kids, that would be because

I have been a Seahawks fan since their beginning. I’m sure I’m one of the few people that remember Steve Niehaus was their first draft pick ever, although truth be told, I only remember that because he had the same last name as my favorite baseball announcer, Dave Niehaus; he didn’t do that much as

My son saw this and though of me. Isn’t he a jewel? I hope you enjoy this son’s ode to his father. I Liked You Better Deaf Have a great weekend!  

My wife and I recently went to a Seattle Seahawk’s game in Atlanta. As we sit down, the couple next to my wife starts to make small talk wondering, “If we came all the way from Seattle… how far of a drive is it from Tennessee… blah, blah, blah.” Who cares, we’re at a freakin

I have always enjoyed hanging out with my uncle. He is far more than “a bit” eccentric, which has always made for interesting times together. He’s an amazing artist with his true area of genius being carving, which as you can imagine in present day United States means he made his living from a variety

I just wanted to share with everyone my New Year’s Resolution.                                   Just in case you were wondering.

Well, we have completed another year of blogging on Male Pattern Madness. On Monday, Joe A. reviewed my blogs from the past year and highlighted a few of his favorites. Now I get to return the favor. When we first started blogging, we made the conscious decision not to get too political with our topics. But

Joe A. wrote about No More Christmas Cards in his post this week. He mentioned his favorite card was the classic The Far Side card from Gary Larson, where kids see Santa’s remains in the chimney. Only Larson could make me laugh out loud with that disturbing scene. I saw this card from Ian Baker and also thought

One of the ongoing debates in my marriage is about our plates and bowls. I think that when you sit down to eat, you should have a big enough plate or bowl that you don’t have to fill it multiple times to get enough to eat. My wife agrees, as long as your appetite is

Tipping rules need to change. When I was a kid, everyone did most everything for themselves. We didn’t have dog walkers, car detailers, personal trainers or paid coaches for kids. Most of the jobs were in manufacturing and as most people didn’t track-down the line worker that tightened the bolts on their new Chevy Impala

This week I wrote about how I thought passengers weren’t ready for cell phone usage on planes. Here is Joe Heller’s take on the issue. Be safe and have a great weekend!  

During this current holiday travel season, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) recently made public its proposed lifting of the cell phone ban on planes. Please no. People aren’t very good at using cell phones politely. For every whispered, “So great to hear from you, but I’m in a restaurant, let me call you back in

I like good food as much as the next guy. Well, actually probably more than the next guy, especially if pie is involved, but I’m starting to wonder if the effort required to make a “proper” Thanksgiving meal is actually worth it. We are having all sorts of people over for Thanksgiving this year. My

On Monday, Joe A. posted his very calm feelings on why little kids don’t need cell phones. It reminded me of a video my wife showed me of Louis C. K. on Conan. He makes some very interesting points. Enjoy and have a great weekend.

Recently, a golf writer, Brandell Chamblee, called out Tiger Woods for cheating. Actually documenting past and current incidents of cheating. Tiger’s agent threatened a lawsuit. Other golfers whined that Chamblee, as a former PGA professional, broke the code that you can never call someone out for cheating. Mr. Chamblee actually had to apologize then quit

Well, my third and final addition to the driving world has finally been deemed fit by the Great State of Tennessee to be a licensed driver. She is actually pretty competent on the road but if you happen to be driving and come up next to the car in the picture, I would give it a

      Have a great weekend and try to interact with a human or two if possible; maybe even outdoors!

I think I have been a pretty good father to my sons. But fathers can only do so much. When my sons were Joe A.’s son’s age, they were pretty much the same as his man-child. On one hand able to intelligently converse on a variety of topics, well read, and able to do various

My wife has made hundreds of Halloween costumes; it’s her thing. My children have been characters ranging from Batman and Robin, pirates, and revolutionary war heroes to pigs, sheep and penguins. They are all amazing (I say “are” because most are in a costume box in the basement)! I have for the most part stayed

To 3D Or Not To 3D Joe A. reviewed the movie Gravity in this week’s post. I mentioned in a comment that the review at CinemaBlend.com called To 3D Or Not To 3D had given Gravity a perfect score; something I hadn’t seen on their site. So I went to see the movie, paid for

Years ago, there was a forward for the Seattle Super Sonics named Shawn Kemp. He was amazing. In the first game I saw him play, he jumped and pulled down a rebound that he literally grabbed from above the backboard. All the other players looked like mere mortals playing next to superman. He was an

So the other day, I started to step off an elevator at work just to be run into by a woman looking down as she entered the elevator (seriously people, let everyone off the elevator prior to entering). Just as I was about to think semi-rude thoughts about her, she apologized in the most beautiful

Well, this is the end of women’s hormones are wacky week here at MPM. So to pull it all together I found a few comics decribing the different stages of a woman’s hormonal life through a man’s eye.                     And finally something to look forward to.  

I’ve been married for over 25 years. While I definitely got the better end of the deal, there have been many times when my wife literally lost her mind. Like when she was pregnant and yelled at me to clean up the dishes I left on the counter, which she had actually left on the

Let me set the scene. I’m watching the Seattle Seahawks get pummeled by Houston on TV with my wife and daughter. My wife has been laid up with a sore back and hasn’t really left the recliner the last few days. In the 3rd quarter with the Seahawks still way down, my wife says she

                        Joe A. addressed the age old topic of Thermostat Wars this past Monday. In his blog he mentioned that 75 degrees was to cold which is indeed crazy. So the Male Pattern Madness research staff went off to the old World Wide Web

I recently took CPR, AED and First Aid training. The class was fairly fast paced and we skipped around a great deal. I was a bit frustrated because it felt like we were missing a lot, especially when compared to the last time I took the training many years ago. The woman next to me

I had to take CPR and First Aid training as part of the contract I’m on at work. I took the training last week. I sat between a 30-year-old woman and a 55-year-old man. When I walked in, the woman was reviewing her e-mails and texts and actively responding. The thought that went through my

People driving in the left hand lane have always pissed me off. Seriously, it’s for passing. If you’re not passing another car, get out of it. Well, the other day, as I drove back home through the winding North Carolina Mountains, I was stuck behind a white Subaru in the left lane. There were eight

The start of a new football season. The Seahawks are awesome this year. Russell Wilson will be league MVP. These things are a given. Watching as many games as possible however, is not. So my suggestion to all Male Pattern Madness reading football fans is to do a little extra work around the house this weekend and get your

So, I took another red-eye flight. There are two things that I don’t like about red-eye flights. It is uncomfortable to sleep in an airline seat, and, well… they let other people on board. I’m still recovering from my latest adventure. I’m originally from the West coast, so most of my travels to see family

The other day I called my son when he happened to be hanging out with his girlfriend on Green Lake in Seattle. I said, “Oh, I will let you go but the house I lived in when I was a little kid is just down the street from where you parked. You should drive by.

Earlier this week I went to a presentation at the University of Tennessee featuring Bill McKibben, author of the book, Eaarth. The freshman class at UT had all been assigned this book as summer reading, and this presentation was a kick-off event for the year. Recently there have been numerous articles written about how this

Toward the end of my senior year of high school, Joe A. and I, along with a couple buddies decided we would take a road trip. Now up until that point of my life, road trips had been a family affair, and while they seemed epic in nature, the furthest we had ever driven as a family

The other day, I was talking with a fellow employee about a project we were working on. I get along with this woman very well and enjoy when we get to work together which is fairly often. As I left her office this particular time, I said, “Have a great day!” Her reply of, “I

Joe A. and I regularly address customer service or more specifically the lack there of. I saw this the other day and got a good laugh. Enjoy. Have a great weekend!

I think I am a perfect customer, but maybe not. I am willing to pay full price for a quality product, I never use coupons, I don’t waste time in stores, and I am incredibly loyal to stores or restaurants that meet my expectations. If these expectations are met, I frequent the establishment. If not,

My dog is an invisible fence pansy and typically doesn’t get within 15 feet of the wire, ever. Well, unless he figures out it isn’t working (How he does this, I have no idea) and then he goes next door to get dog biscuits from my neighbor. Years ago, during one of those down times,

Well it’s Friday. The Mariners are on a bit of a hot streak and Seahawks just started training camp, so both Joe A. and I are pretty happy. The transition to football is finally here for Joe and I still have a few more months of baseball to enjoy. This week we talked about a

Overall, I imagine my children think I’m a pretty good father. But if you asked them to tell you one thing about me, they would probably say that I drove away with a pizza on the roof of my car, or that I cheat at cards. Years ago, I think I was in 9th grade,

So I clicked on some survey written by a young couple about the questions they would have liked to ask their fiancé knowing what they now know regarding the secrets to a long marriage. As they had been married all of two years and asked stupid questions I thought a marriage “veteran” should probably take

I was watching live TV the other night for some reason. I never watch live TV as for the most part commercials drive me crazy. But there I was as a cellular commercial played out in front of me. My first thought was “Now theres a man!” My second thought was “I need to post

A rebuttal to Joe A’s Monday Baseball Is To Slow post. I admit it Joe A., in our Ritalin controlled, video-game-driven world, baseball has lost some of its appeal. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t awesome. It just means that we need to work harder at proving it to our kids, so a decade from

I was thinking about what to write this week and remembered that on the Fourth of July last year, I saw that it was National Pie Week. Certainly cause for celebration.  So, here is a Fourth of July week top 10 things that come to mind when I think about pies. The Romans were the

Every year during NFL draft season, some potential superstar scores incredibly low on the Wonderlic. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this test, it is a sort of IQ test with 50 SAT type questions. The lowest score I have ever heard of for an NFL draftee is 6 and the highest is

I’m a huge Seattle Mariner fan. I have never wavered in my support of the Mariners. Alvin Davis was my favorite player for the M’s years ago. Dave Neihaus was the best sportscaster ever. Ever. Edgar Martinez was awesome. I follow their minor league system religiously, and therefore can talk to you about any of their past,

I’ve had the exact same haircut for well over 30 years. Now there have been good ones and bad ones (haircut), but for the most part, no change. When I have to actually use a comb, it’s too long and I go to the barber. Simple. Women’s hair on the other hand is a tough one.  I

Every man needs to learn to be a better listener (according to women), and every woman needs to just fix the problem instead of talk about it (according to men). Jason Headley put together a funny video with his take on this issue. Enjoy. Have a great weekend!

While I still consider myself a west coaster, I’ve actually lived in Tennessee for almost a decade now. When we were finalizing our move, everyone I knew was kind of horrified at the prospect of living in the South. But for the most part, bigger cities are all fairly similar, and I don’t live in

  While Joe A. would book himself an MRI like he would a massage or a Hawaiian vacation; me, not so much. I had my first MRI years ago. First, let me give you a little information about myself: I am not claustrophobic. Loud noises do not upset me. The width of my shoulders is

The term hero has been used quite a bit lately. I think that strong words like hero are typically overused, but that certainly isn’t the case recently. Unfortunately, there have just been a lot of opportunities for heroism.  There can be no doubt that any person who throws their body over small children and holds

Strip Malls suck. As a City Planner in a past life, it always sickened me to approve these abominations. First there are the awful traffic patterns. Last year there was over $3 billion dollars worth of damage in reported parking lot accidents. Reported being the key word in that sentence. As strip malls are typically

I am old; at least in terms of technology. The other day, I received an e-mail confirming that the e-mail I had sent had been forwarded on. Here is a line from the e-mail. This is the e-mail from Matt…:) So the first thing that crosses my mind is “Where is the first parenthesis? What

What is the biggest difference between women and men? While there are many different ways to tell the difference most have some sort of societal tie that really doesn’t get to the core of our non-physical differences. How we dress, what we read, the games we play, in many ways link back to what we

While reading Joe A.’s piece about his beloved car it reminded me of “Car Talk”. Over the years I have driven to an astronomical number of soccer, volleyball, swimming, cross country and baseball practices. And when these drives happened to have fallen to fall on a Saturday, the NPR Saturday morning line-up is always on

Goal setting drives me crazy, it always has. One of the reasons is the wide variety of tasks that can fall under “goal setting.” While John F. Kennedy told the nation to “commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to

Well over the course of history, Dads have been responsible for teaching their kids how to do many things. So I decided to come up with a list. I thought of the classics like how to bait a hook or cast, how to skip a stone, or how to oil your mitt. And while I

The unbelievable happened during the Boston Marathon. And while there is obviously an element of evil in this story, what stood out to me were the many people that ran back into a dangerous area to help the hundreds of people in their greatest time of need.  It was truly amazing. Boston is a city

This is how it usually works. My wife and I are going somewhere (it really doesn’t matter where). We have to be at our destination at 6:00 PM. It takes about 20 minutes to get there. So just to be safe we are trying to get out the door at 5:30. Check, we are in

There it is, right in front of you, a 4-pack of a product that you typically use one of every 6 months or so at a piece price that seems too good to pass up. The decision process commences. “Well dear; do we really need that much ketchup? It’s enough to last for the next

Sandy Koufax and Dave Neihaus, it just doesn’t get any better than that. So here it is the pitch that I spoke of in Wednesday’s blog. Envision it at 98 mph and it will make the hair on your arms stand up. Sandy Koufax First Pitch Also for your enjoyment I have provided links to

Opening Day. Sandy Koufax. As the late, great, Mariner announcer Dave Neihaus used to say, “My Oh My.” Yesterday was opening day for my beloved Seattle Mariners and while I was searching for game stats the headline that caught my eye was that Sandy Koufax threw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium. I would have liked to

I really don’t follow NCAA basketball as much as I used to. But as I am still a male citizen of the United States of America and still draw a breath on this planet, I think it is my God given duty to fill out a bracket for March Madness. You just have to. This

Since we’re both being old guys this week. Here’s a little age test I found. Enjoy.

I went to see the film Side Effects recently with my wife. I’ll give you a brief plot synopsis. It is the story of a psychiatrist counseling a suicidal young woman, and as she continues to become more distraught, he changes her drugs, which produce strange side effects, played in a theater in front of

I’m old school. I’m not a big fan of texting, twitter, reality TV. I like Major League Baseball as it has held on to most of its traditions and really could care less about the NBA as it has not. Coke, yes; Pepsi, no. And so on. So when it comes to golf, I’m sure

While watching the weekly news, there was a story that accidents and deaths among teen drivers, had actually increased in the past two years. With improvements in car safety and stricter laws requiring fewer teenagers riding in cars together their rates had been decreasing for quite some time. However, in the last couple of years

For many years, I lived in Utah. I lived in a neighborhood that was 98% Mormon. I was not. One of the first things I realized in my neighborhood is that nobody does anything on Sundays. Most establishments are actually closed, but those that are open are typically empty, and therefore it is a great

I’m going to be a really good grandfather. The other day my daughter asked me a question and as I had been thinking about my grandfather and ignoring her question (In my defense, I didn’t even know she was talking to me, she and her mother talk ALL the time and I had gone to

Well Joe A. and I took our best shot at the upcoming Academy Award winners. Now let’s see what the experts have to say. A reviewer that used to work for the LA Times has put together a web-site that consolidates the critic’s predictions, here is the link. http://www.goldderby.com/odds/experts/85/ Also, if you want your own

Here are my predictions for the Oscars this year. First off, I am not in the movie industry like Joe A. so my decisions aren’t based on industry know-how like his, but unlike Joe A., I have actually seen some of the movies. So to the predictions. Supporting Actors & Actresses I think the supporting

Sometimes I think women are speaking a different language than men. While the words make sense grammatically, the combination of words is indeed foreign and confusing to me. Here are some examples. “Why don’t you try a veggie dog instead of a brat?” or “I threw away your favorite Seahawks sweatshirt because it had a

When I first read Joe A.’s fight blog from Monday, my first thought was the movie Fight Club. While not part of the movie’s cult following, I along with, I imagine, most men, get what they are talking about. As Joe A. mentioned, we really do size each other up and sometimes even wonder what

For years, I have been pretty clutch when it comes to competition. If I am paying attention and understand what the score is, which is indeed a pretty big “if,” I’m your guy. While this used to take place on tavern league softball and basketball teams and while playing golf with my buddies, in middle

For years, I’ve watched a lot of different crime dramas on TV. I pick the guilty person at about a 95% success rate within the first 20 minutes of the show. My kids thought for years I should quit my job and sign on with the local police force as a detective; I am that

Well, as I mentioned Wednesday, it took a broken sink to find a product made in the U.S.A. Since then I have actually found quite a few more; you just have to look. While searching on the Internet I found numerous sites that have links to all sorts of products that are Made in the U.S.

So over the holidays, I ventured into stores and shopped over the internet. I am not a big shopper. I rarely go into stores or even surf the internet for products unless I’m trying to score points with my wife. The holidays are slightly different, but really only because my wife doesn’t buy ALL her

The other day, I was driving down the road past the local hardware store. Hardware stores that aren’t Home Depot or Lowes are always interesting to me. How do they actually survive when competing against the big box stores?  I guess with good customer service and by offering specialty products. As I drove by, I

So comes to an end another week of the new year. As Joe A. talked about sports superstitions (don’t break the Seahawk mojo Joe A.), and I talked about Downton Abbey, I thought that this was a good week for a Top 10 list and couldn’t decide between most superstitious athletes (Wade Boggs was a

Every Christmas, my side of the family picks a theme for gift giving. This year it was “Favorite Things.” So everyone in the family picked out something they had enjoyed over the past year and sent it to the member of the family they were randomly given. My sister had my wife and gave her

Well, another year of blogging is complete. 2013… Crazy. As people that read our blog know, Joe A is a real writer and I am more of a ranter. While Joe A. takes 500 words and tells a story, I usually take 600 words to kind of tell a story and insert a lot of

So, I start out this holiday season doing a little holiday shopping for the most important person on my list, me. And then I remember… My wife hates it when I buy things for myself before Christmas. It’s really a sickness. I literally go 11 months of the year without purchasing things for myself, but

Since I moved to Tennessee I have a whole new appreciation for this cartoon. I especially like that one of the hunters is starting to pull ole Blitzen down from the roof; he’s definetely from the South. “Daddy, why didn’t Santa make it to our house this year, was I bad?” “No dear. Now be quiet

As a middle-aged man there are daily reminders that I’m getting a little older. Reminders like, kids no longer in the house, waking up at 4:30 in the morning to go to the restroom, and the twinge in my back as I warm up for a round of golf. The biggest reminder that I’m aging

The other night I was cleaning up the dinner dishes with my daughter and we heard a blood curdling scream from upstairs. As my wife was the only other person in the house, we were pretty sure it was her. Neither of us stopped what we were doing. My wife screams like that for two

Years ago, when my middle son first started to drive, I asked my wife, “When do you think our kids will realize that getting a free ride everywhere is a way better deal than driving in a car you have to pay for?” So far none of my children have figured it out. I don’t

My daughter just picked up her drivers permit a few weeks ago. Scary. Young kids out on the road freak me out. Between their incessant texting and their general lack of awareness, it’s a miracle there aren’t more accidents. My daughter knows that if I ever catch her texting and driving, she won’t drive again

Rachael H.D. She’s perfect. Now, before all you guys type in Rachael HD into your web browser to see my new friend in all her High Definition glory, HD stands for Home Depot. I did home improvement projects this weekend. I put in a new bathroom in the basement and a variety of other projects

Well, we are getting to the part of the year where all the holidays are just running into each other. I have to fix up a bathroom before people come into town for Thanksgiving and I have been putting it off much to the dismay of my very organized wife. As I was thinking about

Serving your country comes in many forms; we all have the opportunity to serve our country on a daily basis. But as we just celebrated Veterans Day, this is a time to hold our troops above the rest and celebrate the amazing contribution each person has made for our country serving in the Armed Forces.

Everyone has that moment in time they would like back. Some are little blips in life, while others literally change the way people think about you. I for example would like to replay a homerun that was hit against my softball team years ago. The ball barely cleared the fence and I had a perfect

Recently, my wife sent Halloween care packages to our sons and other friends and family currently away at college. In the care packages, she put in the standard Halloween fare of candy and baked treats, and other assorted Halloween decorations and a few fake spiders. My son and a good friend of his texted independently

In a moment of pure irony, I forgot to post my Friday follow-up blog on forgetfulness this morning. In my defense my daughter was playing in the State title match for high school volleyball, but the bottom-line was I forgot. The sad part is that it happens all too often these days and they took

My Grandpa W. gave me an 1887 silver dollar when I was a kid. In a minor miracle, I still have it. I have always loved coins, but especially dollar ones. As a big history buff, I thought it was particularly cool when they came out with the Presidential coins (George Washington is sitting on

First of all, my reunion was great. The organizing committee did an excellent job; great venue, food, band, and plenty of alcohol for those that needed a social lubricant. An all-around good time. Here are some observations from the night. Hair styles in the 80’s were awful! I looked in a yearbook the night before

Joe A. and I have known each other since 6th grade and graduated from the same high school together. Well, it’s high school reunion time for the two of us. I’m always excited about going back home to Washington, getting to see the gang I grew up with, makes it all the more special. I’m

One of the best parts about writing a blog is I get to talk to Joe A. on a fairly regular basis. While we try to separate our conversations from the rest of our lives, many times our wives or children walk through the background of our conversations. Usually, I can make out his wife’s

People like to put their food on my plate. Apparently, their unwanted food can’t stay on their plate for even a second longer before they look for a better place for these scraps to land. This “better place” is always my plate.  I look at it like food litter. In restaurants, people that aren’t even

Well, this week we talked about Video Games and the Statute of Limitations in a relationship. While my wife has a long memory, sports fans have even longer ones (there is no statute of limitations for a sports fan). As a childhood Oakland Raider fan and an adult Seattle Seahawks fan (I’ve been a Seahawk

Many years ago the famous book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus came out. I must have recently pissed off my wife, because I remember saying to someone that the people of Venus must have really long, spiteful memories. When it comes to marriage, there is a sort of Statute of Limitations

I have the best dog in the world. I am not trying to offend anyone and their incredibly nice “if I can’t have Matt W.’s border collie” dog, but my dog is amazing. Everyone that comes in contact with my dog thinks so. It is because he is so wonderful that we give him nice

Everyone remembers where they were the morning of September 11th.  I worked in a TV station with televisions on in every room so I watched the entire morning unfold before me. It was a powerful morning that I will remember forever. This week, not so much. This is the first year where I didn’t get

Everyone has at least one. That person in your life that passes through your brain from time to time, that you think, “if only circumstances had been a little different.” I’m not talking about the guy or girl you dated for months or years, prior to finding your significant other, you had your chance with

I realize I’ve already barked up this tree once before in Who Are The Best Drivers but drivers that text suck! When I become king of the world, this is near the top of my long list of things to take care of. Recently, I was driving my daughter home from volleyball practice. As we

When I was young and had nothing better to do, I would head over to the B&I with friends or family. The best way to describe the B&I was a cross between a Wal-Mart, a flea market, and a circus, although not nearly as organized as any of those places. If you wanted work boots,

I have 9 pillows on my bed. I use 2 to sleep with and my wife also uses 2 for actual pillow-like purposes. There are 2 big pillows that if my wife isn’t in the bedroom, I use to sit up in bed with. But they are actually there as a “foundation layer” for the

8 years ago, the first time my wife had me move our incredibly heavy, multi-piece, Thomasville office furniture up two flights of stairs, my sons weighed about a buck fifty between the two of them; no help there. As I’m pretty big and was 8 years younger, I middle-age-man-handled that furniture up the stairs and

There have been many inspiring moments in this years rapidly advancing Olympic games. The last hoorahs of Misty May Treanor and Michael Phelps coinciding with the great entrances by young kids like Katie Ledecky and Gabbie Douglas. Each country has their inspiring heroes. Joe A. and I were thinking of particularly inspiring performances and both remembered Jim Redmond helping

To me the Olympics are still pretty cool. While somewhat tainted by the professional nature of the games, it’s still exciting to watch the athletes compete at sports that I don’t commonly watch at such a high level. The interesting background stories and dramatic upsets always pull me to the screen every night. It’s a

Or more specifically the Top 10 Women from TV and Movies I had a crush on before I got married (and stopped thinking about other women entirely). Joe A. listed his crushes on Monday so here are mine for your review. I decided to list mine chronologically (as close as I could remember). To the list: Mary

The other day, I went to see The Dark Knight Rises, the new Batman movie, on the big screen. In this case, I am being quite literal as I saw it in the IMAX theatre. I usually look at how the movie was shot to see if it is worth seeing in 3D or IMAX

Married men hanging out with married women (those that aren’t your spouse) is generally frowned upon. While this has changed a bit over the years, it is still usually the case because, well, men are simple creatures. As Joe A. said in his blog Looking at Naked Women men check out women; it’s in our

Well, recently my daughter’s teammates were lightheartedly making fun of her and another girl for wearing granny panties. Seriously? I was at the Victoria Secret with my wife when she bought my daughter’s underwear, and let’s just say you could make 15 pair of her panties out of one pair of my boxers. When I

Joe A. and I wrote a couple of blogs about work this week and when I think work and all the associated craziness, I always think of Dilbert. I have thought about writing a blog about how cartoon strips have gotten less funny over the years, but one of the few exceptions is Dilbert. As I constantly

I recently started a new job. It has been nice to go to work every day after being out of work for a while. All my new co-workers are very nice and have made me feel right at home from the start. The only problem is I am now right in the middle of the

Fireworks are one of my earliest memories. When I was a kid, every Fourth of July, the City of Seattle put on a huge display from a barge in the middle of Elliott Bay for the whole city. My grandparents had a house with a great view of the bay so every year on the

Last night was the NBA draft. While previously, I might have watched all the players selected and called Joe A. every 30 minutes or so lambasting Elgin Baylor’s pick for the Clippers, or wondering how the Spurs picked the most fundamentally sound player in the draft for the 8th straight year,  the NBA draft was

I am thinking about losing some weight, which usually means I can’t stop thinking about food. So instead of eating I thought I would write. This is not my top ten favorite foods, but rather my top ten favorite foods if there were no such thing as calories.  In stark contrast to my wife, I

For Father’s day this year, I received a travel coffee mug from my children. On it are the “unique” sayings that apparently only I say anymore (or ever). I’m convinced my kids think I ride the fence between genius and insanity with long trips to the crazy side of the yard. It’s probably my quirky

Golf really is a sexist sport. The other day I showed up at the golf course and as it was 6:30 am there were only a few cars in the parking lot. On the driving range was one person hitting balls, and I did a double take because it was a woman. One, women don’t

When I was a kid, every day after school, a bunch of guys got together and played ball. I remember playing games all the way back to 1rst grade. You showed up, the best players at that particular sport picked teams, and you played some sort of ball for a couple of hours and went

Joe A. and I decided to take the week off for Memorial Day. As a reminder Memorial Day was started after the Civil War (originally called Decoration Day) to commemorate fallen soldiers. It later changed to Memorial Day but still honors those that died in battle serving our country. Thanks to all those that serve our

Eugene Polley died of natural causes last Sunday at the age of 96. Most of the hundreds of millions of men he impacted over the years, didn’t even know who he was, but his many inventions make him a true icon in the lives of middle-aged men. But there is one invention that makes him

As Joe A. said in his recent blog, boys are indeed clueless when it comes to reading other people’s expressions. With the addition of technological blinders, they are even more unaware of what is going on around them. It doesn’t stop with boys. While driving my daughter off to volleyball practice, I asked her if

I opened up my cable bill and the price of my service had gone up $25. I have lived in Knoxville for 8 years and “Like the swallows returning to Capistrano” I annually call my cable company telling them my bill has gone up and I want it back at the same level. It’s the

My daughter and I were driving home from school yesterday afternoon, and I said “How much homework do you have tonight?” She replied that while she didn’t have a lot of homework due tomorrow “I really need to get some projects started and start studying for finals.” And like all good fathers in the world,

I clicked on the internet the other day and saw that after 100 years the San Francisco restaurant, Sam Wo, which claimed to have the world’s rudest waiter had closed. A local Chinese restaurant, China Pearl, was apparently started by the same guy because the owner is such an incredible jerk, it just can’t be

A couple weeks ago the Mega-Millions jackpot reached 600-and-something-bazillion-dollars and I along with everyone else across the nation made sure I walked in to buy a ticket while gas flowed into my car. I typically don’t by lottery tickets unless the jackpot is over $100,000,000. Not because I don’t think $20 million isn’t enough money

I have asked for the exact same haircut for over 30 years now. Short on the sides (2 guard) and blend in slightly longer on top. It should be one of the least expensive and easiest haircuts in the universe to get correct. Apparently it’s not. I usually go to the same guy. He cuts

Well, in an attempt to keep all our readers out of trouble this weekend with a nice project, here are a few duct tape ideas to get the creative juices flowing. I know Joe A. will be working on the Batman Mask. As my first thought when I saw all the different projects was “Wow

I recently hurt my ankle and am now sentenced to the peculiar hell of crutches. My injury went something like: old man…ear infection…dizzy…fell down steps… conducted full body inventory while laying on the floor…hurt ankle…rest of body OK…didn’t take proper care of ankle…reinjured (worse than original injury)…I’m an idiot…crutches. Ta da! Ten easy steps to

I recently walked into a Walgreen’s to pick up a pair of reading glasses. I put a pair in my wife’s purse at a recent volleyball tournament and forgot to get them out before I left for a weeklong training course (maybe I need a purse like Joe. Not yet). So any way I walked

I don’t have my head completely buried in the sand. I have used the internet since Al Gore invented it, and am usually very proficient at finding just about anything. I use my computer for a variety of tasks that would probably be more difficult without it, probably. I use e-mail, but am frustrated that

March Madness is a great time of year. I really enjoy watching the different games, but there is a limit to how far I would go to get some quality viewing time. Apparently these guys have a much higher bar than I. http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2012/03/13/dnt-oh-march-madness-vasectomy.wews Have a great March Madness weekend, and if you are one of the

Recently, my son and I went back to my hometown during his spring break to hang out with family and friends. In the month prior to the visit, I had e-mailed a long-time buddy of mine Lee F. We had last seen each other when we played golf together 5 or 6 years ago with

As an old curmudgeon who doesn’t really understand the appeal of texting, I thought I would find some comics that express my feelings regarding this topic. My kids argue that because of texting they can “really” communicate with their friends and family. I argue that texting isn’t communication, but rather an effective and yet potentially

I recently was in Washington, DC and had the honor of going around to all the cool national sites. My wife and I went into the National Archives, because there was a new exhibit on Benjamin Franklin, and it’s always good to see the documents that helped found our country. As there is usually a

So I got into the car the other day with 8 hours of driving ahead of me. I was heading off to my nephew’s house to see his new baby and then going on to Washington DC the next day for my daughter’s volleyball tournament. I am a good long distance driver. When MapQuest says

I made a bonfire the other day. There had been a series of storms that had made it through our neighborhood over the past year and I had my boys pile up all the fallen branches into a huge pile. My oldest made a nice starter tower and my other son made another pile right

  Anyone that has carried a knife over the years has a favorite type. I tend to go for a knife that has one larger blade and one smaller blade with one of the blades having a nice point. That splinter isn’t going to get itself out of my kid’s finger, now is it? But I

I used a knife for the first time and got my first scar within minutes of each other. I borrowed one of my dad’s knifes to whittle on my soapbox derby for scouts and proceeded to fillet my index finger. “When using a knife son, you always want to make sure you have the rest

I’m not a car guy. I know how to fix a variety of issues on cars, but never really got into cars like a lot of my friends. The first car I bought was a diesel Volkswagen that got 50 miles to the gallon. (Side note, I find it crazy when carmakers complain about rules

My wife, my son, and I were in the kitchen and my wife makes a general comment about something. I correct her, and she reiterates that what she said was correct. I change the subject. Well now, my son is standing on the other side of the room chuckling. My wife asks what’s up and

Well, so comes to an end “Women are Crazy and Men are Stupid” week at Male Pattern Madness. As many of you know Joe A and I have known each other for a long time and I happen to remember where his mantra started. Many years ago, a group of us kids from high school

In college, one of my suite mates took the “How well do you know women” quiz in that month’s addition of Playboy magazine. Thinking he did better than any of the rest could do, especially me, the Baptist, he made all of us take the quiz. I blew everybody away. Next to the number I

I have never been much of a new year’s resolution guy. Every once in a while I would say, “I’m going to lose 10 pounds, or work harder on my golf game,” but lacked the true desire to pursue these goals and watched my resolution peter out in days or weeks if I was lucky.

I always tell my children “Buy a good individual tool instead of a cheap set that happens to have the tool you need in it.” I speak from experience. When you’re starting out you always want to fill up your tool box, and those poorly chromed sets of tools look so inviting. Also, why would

I was walking through an upscale strip mall, the kind that they put nice signs and awnings on and therefore think you are willing to spend more money at. (I hate to break it to you designers, there’s no such thing as a nice strip mall.) Well, anyway, as I was walking, I noticed a

Joe A and I decided to start a blog a while ago, mainly to have an outlet for my ranting and his actual writing. Joe and I edit each other’s work and while the majority of my notes are “great work, post as is,” thankfully Joe’s edits of my work resemble my returned high school

In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I would come up with a list of the top ten toys from childhood. Here it is. 10.          Slinky – They walk down stairs, alone or in pairs and make a slinkity sound. Never. They sucked. I only put it on my list to mock them. Next.

So I have to go into Jo-Ann Fabric and pick up some Christmas supplies for my wife. I am not a big fan of Jo-Ann’s and avoid it like the plague, but because it is the “Season of Stress,” I don’t argue and run off to do this holiday errand. I am fairly confident in

There is only one thing better than holiday meals, holiday leftovers. I love leftovers. They are way better than the actual meal. My son is off at college and my wife asked what he wanted for the Thanksgiving meal, and he said “I want a big enough turkey that I can have a huge turkey

Since caveman days there have been honey-do lists. “Honey, I would like you to kill the Saber-tooth Tiger outside the cave, its terrorizing the kids; roll that large wheel looking boulder out of the cave; and while you’re at it throw out the Mammoth bones that are in the corner. It kills my back when

“Hey dad, I need your help. Name five different ways that courage was used in the first half of my book, and at least one of them has to be about Scout.” There was nothing in middle school I couldn’t handle, so my daughter’s experience with me has been that I know everything. High school

“Dad, do you want to know what’s really expensive? Milk.” These wise words were uttered by my son who recently went off to college. As a father, it is always nice when your kids learn valuable life lessons, but any pertaining to your own wallet are especially nice. “And juice is really expensive too, it’s

The Top 10 Albums of all time list is a tough one. First off, albums are a lost art. Most groups don’t bother making great albums anymore, especially since it became so easy to download just one song. My son’s best friend plays in a band and is a great young musician, so I asked

My daughter plays a lot of volleyball and is trying out for a travel team. It has been a good experience for her the last couple of years, getting to know all the girls and improving on her skills. It is a huge family commitment, with a lot of time and money being spent on

As you know, Joe A and I throw out lists every once in a while for fun. Okay, really in order not have to write quite as much. When we stumble across any category containing books, they pretty much fall in my lap as Joe A prefers to get his entertainment viewing a screen.  As

I’m a big guy. I could probably just end the post there and you would have all the relevant information, but instead I will rant for a while. I am 6’2’ and typically weigh about 220 pounds but was trending upwards. 230 is the weight that I think new pants become a distinct possibility. This

The other day I was watching ESPN and I half noticed that the first month of NBA basketball was cancelled because the players and owners could not come to an agreement as to how to split the $4 billion in revenues the NBA currently receives. The owners would not go more than 50-50 while the

Starting a blog has been interesting for a variety of reasons. It’s fun to have an outlet to vent on a variety of subjects, and the increased time spent talking to Joe A. has been great. One part that I did not anticipate coming into blogging was the number of comments that we get regarding

The World Series is the culmination of another season of baseball, my favorite sport. It seems like I have always loved baseball. When I was a kid I collected baseball cards, like every other boy my age. Carl Yastrzemski was my favorite player, mostly because I liked his card the best. I also vividly remember

I recently had the opportunity to visit Jerusalem and spend a day walking through the Old City. There were many interesting parts to the city and after a while I found myself at the Western Wall. Now, the Western Wall is a very important place in many religions but for the Jewish people it is

As parents we are always trying to give our kids the best information for leading a long, healthy, happy, life. Relying on our life experiences, we offer pearls of wisdom that will hopefully persuade our children to travel down an easier path than we took. A girl I know decided to go to college at

Sports moments are hard to rank. Everyone has a different ranking based on whether it is their home team, how big the stage was, or how cool they think the sport is. As a Seattle fan, I have a special place in my heart for the Sonics Championship and Edgar Martinez’ hit to beat the

So awhile ago I go out to Dick’s Sporting Goods to find a pair of running shoes. For Father’s Day, my kids had put a note in a little box saying that is what they wanted to get me. Great, as I needed a new pair of shoes. I walk in the door having spent

“Pick us up at PetSmart; we decided to walk over there,” was the text I got from my daughter. So I walk in and see her and her friend standing in front of the rescued kitten cages, Awesome! We get to have the puppy and/or kitten talk, two of my favorites. While my daughter’s friend

At Male Pattern Madness we celebrate being a middle-aged man. While there are a few perks associated with this time of life, there are also a few things that all men our age would rather do without. Here are my top ways you know you have picked the right blog to follow: 10.  Your arms

My daughter made a beautiful spike at a high school volleyball match last night. It was the kind of spike that you might see a dozen times a night by women at a college match, solid and worthy of a big cheer, but coming from my daughter it was amazing. A few words about my

I just took my dog to the vet and was thrilled to get a bill for $117. Typically when I go to the Vet it runs at least twice that and they hand me the bill and say “But he’s worth it!” First of all, I didn’t even know that a dog had an anal

As I helped my daughter clean up her room this weekend, I spent hours pushing her to get rid of all the crap she likes to keep. One of my first targets was all the soccer trophies she received just for me paying the entry fee. When did kids start getting trophies just for showing

157-0-2 This is my and my son’s best guess as to our lifetime golf match record prior to yesterday. Now, 157-1-2. I was really looking forward to my son beating me at golf, honestly. I once told my son that, “The day he beats me at golf, he will be the second proudest person on

Last week I was training to be a Certified Energy Manager, and there was one person in the class that asked 95% of the questions and also made 95% of the statements. Unfortunately, he was a moron. The trainers had to constantly cut out pieces of information from the training because this guy kept asking

Smart, well trained dogs are indeed “Man’s best friend.” Also there is nothing that makes you look better than your dog doing amazing things at your command. You do however need to keep them happy. I have a great dog. While I am not a chatty dog owner, everyone who knows me, knows how I

Every time my wife goes out of town for business she is stressed. First, she always tries to clean off her to do list completely, including all the items that haven’t really mattered for the last 4 weeks. Because of all her last minute tasks, she always leaves packing to the very last minute, typically

There is a co-worker of mine that always brags about his son’s ability at football. He apparently is an excellent quarterback, and has always lead the league in both passing and rushing, a true All-star. He has been going to an elite athlete training facility for the past 5 years, multiple days a week, to

The other day I was trying to get a free one-way trip on United Airlines using miles as they are currently the only airline that offers this service. I have a few questions, so I decide to venture into the great customer service unknown. Companies today will do almost anything to keep you  from talking

I have seen my wife and children try to plunge a toilet, and well, it is not a pretty site. While a disgusting job to start with, I am mostly referring to their utter lack of ability in getting the job done.  I am acutely aware of the fact that they could be putting on

I wish humans were as evolved as lizards. I was surfing through the channels the other night, and as is generally the case, a cool nature show caught my eye. There was this lizard that could change the color of its skin, but instead of matching to its surroundings like other chameleons, this lizard changed

So, when I was in high school, most of the boys were pushed into math and science classes. I also took AP Chemistry in high school and did quite well, easily earning an A in the class. I had followed the fast track for success every young man was pushed toward. As an afterthought, probably to

I recently celebrated another birthday. During the festivities, I opened my birthday present from my college age son knowing that he got me work-out shorts (I’m a dad, I always know). I’m a little confused when the package I open contains two large skirt-like objects with enough fabric to make 4 or 5 pairs of