posted by Matt W on April 22nd, 2015

I’m a pretty good shopper… for a guy. But I have my limits.

My wife asks me to come along fairly often so I must not be that awful. I think I have good taste, know what looks good on my wife, and know what she is willing to purchase. I am pretty tall and have excellent distance vision, so with very little effort I can see every item of clothing in a store in well under 5 minutes and with amazing accuracy. I pick the 5 items of clothing my wife will be willing and actually excited to try on; I pick them off the rack in her size and hand them to her (really shopping songs should be written about me). My work should really be done. Try them on, purchase the ones you like, and out of the store in under 10 minutes.

But no.

My wife will then spend the next 45 minutes walking the entire store to make sure I haven’t missed anything. And that is before she actually tries on the clothing. We have had the same routine for 25 years. And for this entire span I have not figured out why she needs that extra 45 minutes of mind numbing recon. It wears me out so much that by store two I have started to lose my super power and store three is almost always out of the question, because truth be told, I’m not that pleasant to be with. My god, I could scout the whole mall for her in less than an hour, pick her out every item of clothing that she will like, happily agree they were worth purchasing because I would still be in a good mood and we would be done in time for the movie that’s showing.

But no.

Now I would understand if I had ever let her down. If she had numerous items in her wardrobe that were not part of my initial store recon mission or that she had picked out herself and really liked, great. But in actuality the clothes she picks out herself we call the Goodwill pile. It’s almost comical. And don’t even get me started on the additional 15 minutes spent in each store going over the best coupons to use. Coupons are the bane of my existence. Really, they suck.

So I continue to feel like the old sergeant who has found every sniper, landmine, and enemy position for 25 years only to have the lieutenant tell him to check again. But in my case I respond “Yes dear, I do think you should keep looking” and hope there is a comfy chair next to the dressing room.

File Under King of the Castle