posted by Joe Anaya on December 15th, 2014

Don’t judge me. I think I have a problem. I’m not sure if it’s a mental disorder or an eating disorder. Is it wrong to be OCD about food?

Don’t we all eat cookies with the tops up? Would they taste any different if we ate them upside down? Or a Ritz cracker? You wouldn’t eat a hamburger upside down would you? Some foods clearly have a top and a bottom, and it feels unholy to mess with the order of things. The guilt ruins the flavor.

One brand of crackers has an annoying process of packing the wrapped roll of crackers. When I open the box and pull out the roll, naturally I open the top of the wrapper only to be irritated that the elves loaded the crackers upside down. Now, I have a roll of crackers what require an extra twist of the wrist to eat them right side right.

Everybody knows you cut grilled cheese sandwiches diagonally. I don’t know why that is or how it started, but it just feels wrong to eat one cut horizontally. Doesn’t it?

Are you still with me? But my obsession with food order doesn’t end there.

Eating waffles? Make sure there’s at least a dab of butter and drop of syrup in every square.

Is this disorder hereditary? My son seems to have it also. When he was an infant he had a total meltdown when I cut his hotdog lengthwise before cutting it into smaller pieces. Apparently, that’s not how it’s done.

The most damning evidence that there may be something wrong with me is that I have to have my sandwich bread lined up exactly, meaning front to back. I’m not talking about top to bottom, everyone does that. I mean lined up as they were sliced as part of the loaf, front to back. I enjoy my sandwich more when it’s aligned properly.

Is that taking it too far? Maybe not. My wife always says my sandwiches taste better, after mocking my disorder, of course.

File Under Jack of all Trades