I was hanging out in the mall a couple of weeks ago and the horror of the time of year struck me. Not Halloween, I like Halloween, it’s the beginning of the holiday season. Without looking at a calendar, I know it’s the holiday season because the stores have Christmas decorations. Christmas, for Christ’s sake! It’s early October; just let me enjoy Halloween.

I remember when you wouldn’t see Christmas displays in stores until the day after Thanksgiving. It made sense. Decorate for the holiday coming up; finish the holiday; decorate for the next holiday. Then somewhere along the way, some marketing genius decided that they could sell more Christmas presents if they started promoting it during November not just the 3 weeks in December. Then it got earlier and earlier in November, until now that it’s leapfrogged another holiday and it’s mid October.

There needs to be a law, some kind of holiday speed limit. Decorations can go up before the holiday of course, and in the name of commercialism, decorations will be allowed one holiday before. So, stores can hang oversized ornaments before Thanksgiving, but if there’s a wreath in October, there would be a severe penalty. Something like the store doesn’t get to put up decorations until the week before the holiday. Or even better, how about if competing stores get to decorate the displays of the offending stores. That would slow down this holiday sprawl.

The one holiday limit can go the other way too. If you haven’t spoken to a friend since before January 1st you can wish them a “Happy New Year” through Valentine’s Day until President’s Day. If you try to offer a New Year’s greeting on St. Patrick’s Day, you’re just asking for trouble. But maybe it’s early June, and you just realized you missed Mother’s Day. No problem, there’s only Memorial Day in between; you’re good to go. But after Flag Day, you’re on your own.

So, from Male Pattern Madness to you, happy Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween and Veteran’s Day.