posted by Matt W on September 3rd, 2014

Well I hate to break it to all the members of other demographics but middle-aged men are the best drivers, period.

First let me say that it is truly unfortunate that we live in a society where the issues of older people aren’t discussed more seriously. We have created a car society, putting many citizens a long way from services and the people that are most impacted by this are older people that struggle to drive. That being said, old people suck at driving.  Rarely do I drive past a truly awful driver and not notice their silver hair. Enough said. Let’s move on.

Well, next you have the aggressive female drivers (I wanted to call them the “feminist drivers” but my wife said that this post was offensive enough). These are the women that go really fast, own the left lane, follow less than 10 feet behind you all while doing their makeup, texting, talking on the phone and giving you the finger. I recently had a women whip a U-turn right in front of me on a major arterial (one of the recent events that led to this post), causing me to slam on my brakes and she actually flipped me off while doing it. They know who they are and are proud of it.

Next, there are the “Soccer mom” drivers. While for the most part these women have all the qualities you would think would make up the safest driver group, they care about their children too much too truly be aware of the road around them. “Oh crap, little Johnny just spilled juice in the back” and their head is turned away from the road for 45 seconds. “Oh, I just got a text, it might be Sophie telling me she needs to be picked up,” look away from the road for 30 seconds. “I will just run through the drive-thru and feed the entire soccer team” making the next 15 minutes of handing out napkins, cleaning up messes, telling their children to share, as they speed off to the game basically like driving blind. Excellent intentions, it’s obviously good to be a good Mom, but it doesn’t make you a good driver.

Young-women drivers were a pretty good set of drivers a few years back. Very cautious, a little slow, but for the most part didn’t clog the left hand lane and stayed out of my way. Enter texting. I don’t know the statistics, but I would have to imagine that teenage women’s accident rates have gone through the roof. Every girl I see driving has their phone in their hand, no exceptions. In the last 3 years, I, literally, haven’t seen a teenage girl behind the wheel of a car that didn’t have a phone. I heard of a recent study that said you are 11 times more likely to get into an accident while texting than when you are drunk. So every time you see a young woman driving with a phone in her hand, it would be substantially better for your safety and hers if it was replaced with a beer. Which leads us to our next group.

Teenage guys should not be allowed to drive. If it wasn’t for the combination of lazy parents and jobs and schools being farther and farther from homes, we as a society would have probably held more firm on that one.  I have two young male drivers and they both scare the crap out of me when on the road. Teenage boys are stupid and full of testosterone, which is a more powerful drug than any other drug that they try while driving. So even when stone cold sober, every 18-year-old boy should be getting a DUI.

Young men from the mid-twenties to thirties are basically a combination of all the bad traits of the above drivers. They are far too cocky and own the left hand lane, they have their little kids in the back seat that take their attention from the road, they think texting is cool and still have enough testosterone flowing through them to make them stupid.  If they didn’t have great reflexes and just enough experience under them they would get in an accident every time they left the driveway.

This leaves middle-aged men as the only group that isn’t a bit wacky on the road. While middle-aged men love their children, they don’t care enough about what’s happening in the car to let it distract them from the hazards of the road.  I can’t say that all middle-age men don’t apply make-up while driving, but I’m fairly confident the number is very low. As most men my age could use a testosterone shot or two these days, the current level coursing through our bodies allows us to think clearly enough to drive an automobile.  While the amount of gray hair on my head increases every day, my crazy silver-haired days are still a few years off. This leaves a pretty competent driver. One that doesn’t text, uses the left lane to pass, goes at a pretty good rate of speed but is in control and leaves a reasonable amount of room between himself and the car in front of him. In short, we’re the sane ones on the road, and don’t let any of the other groups tell you differently.

Reposted from September 21, 2011

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