posted by Matt W on April 9th, 2014

I am a big Seattle Mariners fan, so I drove the 80 mile trek to see a Jackson Generals game, the Seattle Mariners AA farm club. (Baseball is awesome.) As I’m driving, I come up behind a white SUV in the left lane that is going far slower than I want to be going. Anyone who has read more than two of my blogs knows this really pisses me off; the left lane is for passing in my world.

So, I slow down and wait for either the driver to move over to the right and let me by, or the traffic to clear on the right allowing me to pass. The traffic on the right finally clears. As it is obvious that this person is not going to move over, I pass them on the right. As I drive past, I notice that it is a woman who is scooted up next to the rear view mirror with scissors trimming her facial hair (my wife said it was rude to call it a moustache). So for today’s blog I thought I would count all the ways that this was wacked.

Here we go.

  1. She was driving slowly in the left hand lane – While at the time, I thought that this was her most egregious driving error, in hindsight, she actually had quite a bit going against her and it is probably better that she wasn’t also going fast. But in the spirit of the early baseball season, it is still a strike against her.
  2. She couldn’t have had her seatbelt on – While I personally need to be at least an arm length away from the mirror (or use my reading glasses) to trim my moustache, apparently this woman was a little near sighted. As she sat on the edge of her seat trimming her moustache facial hair, there was no way she was buckled in. If I ever chose to look away from the road for 5 straight minutes while driving, I personally would like to be buckled in.
  3. She was driving with scissors – Just so everyone is clear, because apparently the inferred message was lost on some, when your Mom said “not to run with scissors,” she also meant don’t drive with scissors, next to your face, especially while not watching the road. Also don’t play with lighters, jump off ANY high objects following others, and your mother wasn’t born the day BEFORE yesterday either.
  4. She wasn’t watching the road – As the correlation between texting and death becomes clearer and clearer to everyone, I think it can also be inferred that ANYTHING that takes your eyes off the road for minutes at a time is bad. Those involving scissors near your eye are exponentially worse.
  5. She really needed professional beauty help – Now, I am not totally happy with my personal appearance so who am I to judge this woman’s moustache facial hair. But it seems to me if it takes you multiple minutes in the fast lane to trim things up a bit you might need a little help. I have never had a wax myself, but it seems like a professional might do a better job and I can assure you that it would be safer for everyone.
  6. She apparently doesn’t realize how crazy all this is because it was actually planned – Whenever I see someone texting while driving or some other unbelievably stupid thing, I always wonder what thought process is going through that persons head and invariably I come up with “there isn’t one.” How could anyone think that unbuckling while driving 65 in a 70 in the left lane to use scissors next to your face while looking away from the road is OK? But apparently this woman has thought it out and is fine with it because she actually had full size scissors with her to go after that nasty five o’clock shadow. She pre-meditated this asinine behavior. She probably brought a little shop vac to clean up after herself and had her full make-up bag in the passenger seat out of my eye line. Scary.

So there you are. As you can see, I stopped at 6, because apparently I need to go clarify some of the sayings I’ve used with my kids over the years. I just hope “Moustache Facial Hair” Woman listened to her mother and wore clean underwear, just in case.

File Under Jack of all Trades