posted by Matt W on July 31st, 2013

My dog is an invisible fence pansy and typically doesn’t get within 15 feet of the wire, ever. Well, unless he figures out it isn’t working (How he does this, I have no idea) and then he goes next door to get dog biscuits from my neighbor. Years ago, during one of those down times, I was fixing my dog’s invisible fence. I took off his collar to test the fence and it still didn’t work. I put the collar in my pocket and proceeded to work on the fence for another 15 minutes or so until I felt like I had fixed it.  It was about the same time my hand reached the collar that I realized I was straddling the wire. The shock that zapped me just about ripped my arm out of the socket. Direct current, while safer, is still crazy. I turned the power down considerably for my dog.

Well, watching my toddler grand-niece run around my yard with my dog got me thinking. And being the problem “solver” that I am, I started to wonder how to “better” use this collar technology. Genius idea. Human training collars.

Here’s my thought. I would design a collar that gives me a shock anytime I open the refrigerator outside of the three meal windows. 6-7 a.m., safe; 11-12 a.m., perfect; 6-7p.m., no problem; anytime other than that, I get a friendly “reminder” shock. The pantry would have the same system, with just a little more current involved (potato chips).

Or better yet, how about putting a collar on my wife so whenever she goes to Ann Taylor or really any shoe store, she get’s zapped? I’m thinking full on tazer in this case. I could make a liquor-cabinet and car-key collar for high school kids. And everyone should have a texting-and-driving collar. Back to my grand-niece we could even make a mini toddler-stay-in-the-yard diaper-zapper (Mothers, it will have a very light zap, I’m not a barbarian).

My neighbor’s dog, escapes every so often and you hear the tell-tale yelp of her crossing her invisible fence to come over to our yard to visit. It would be really interesting to see for what types of things people would “run the fence.” People-watching at the mall would be like a reality TV show. In fact, it could be a spin-off business of my human collar endeavor.

“On today’s show, it will be interesting to see if Betty will dare set foot in Nordstrom. We have it from an inside source that her husband doubled the power after last month’s spending spree. I think she might go for it, as we all know that Nordstrom has an excellent medical staff and allows you to try on shoes during examinations.”

“Later in the show, we will see if Bill will try the refrigerator knowing that his wife bought a six-pack of his favorite beer. We all remember his chronically weak heart actually stopped in last week’s episode when he forgot and grabbed the fridge door handle between innings of a late night baseball game.”

“And now a word from our sponsor, Victoria Secret. The only store 100% safe to shop in as we still haven’t had a single husband put a zapper on their wife to prevent them from going into our stores.”

Hey, between the collars and the TV shows, I think I’ve got a hit. I’ll be rich if I can just get my butt in gear enough to get it started. Ooooh, motivational collars; I’d be a billionaire on sales to wives for their husbands alone.

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