posted by Matt W on March 20th, 2013

I went to see the film Side Effects recently with my wife. I’ll give you a brief plot synopsis. It is the story of a psychiatrist counseling a suicidal young woman, and as she continues to become more distraught, he changes her drugs, which produce strange side effects, played in a theater in front of the two most obnoxiously loud young women I have ever met. They didn’t even try to talk soft. As we walked out of the theater, my wife asked what I thought of the movie and I responded, “I really have no idea what I thought about the movie, as I spent most of my time trying to get the girls behind us to shut-up.”

Many years ago, I went to see the animated movie Ice Age opening weekend with the family. I left to go get popcorn, Red Vines, and drinks for the fam before the movie started and when I returned I passed down the food and took my seat. My wife grabbed me by the arm and said, “I’m so sorry.” Now, as I had made my way into the aisle, I noticed we had moved down a couple seats and there was a  large couple in the two seats next to mine. As I knew their size alone did not warrant my wife’s apology, I settled in for the true reason for her comment. The woman’s incredibly loud laugh and body odor hit me at exactly the same time. Pow! And while she wasn’t really talking to her husband, she was indeed talking all the time. As we were only in the previews, I assumed this would stop as soon as the feature presentation started. But no. She was a very emotional person and very comfortable with personal contact. Whenever something happened, she would shout out her anger or happiness. She grabbed her husband and me during the tense moments. She shouted at the screen, “No, don’t go down there, don’t, don’t, NOOOOOOOOO!” She laughed hysterically when something funny happened. She actually started crying during a sad part of the movie. She spilled a little popcorn on me and picked it off my sweatshirt and put it in her mouth. I guess I should have been relieved she didn’t try to put it in my mouth. As with Side Effects, I really remember very little about the movie Ice Age. But the performance going on next to me is etched into my mind; she deserved an award.

Back to the obnoxious Side Effects girls. I can’t imagine what was going through their heads. At least, my odorous Ice Age-lady was responding to the movie, albeit manic-depressively. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed that kids are much more vocal in theatres lately, but these two girls took the prize. They weren’t just talking like they were in their living room, but talking in their living room in the most obnoxious way possible. Numerous attempts to silence them with the disapproving head turn and associated glare had no impact. Don’t parents teach their kids to be quiet in theaters anymore? When debriefing with my wife, I went on to say that “It is really unfortunate that I’m not a rude person, because it really would have come in handy in the theater. I would have liked to turn around and say–,” at that moment my wife joined in and in stereo we said, ”Shut the fuck up!” My wife’s not a swearer; so it was actually pretty funny.

Well, from what I did watch, the movie actually seemed pretty good but I seriously have to give the movie an incomplete as I didn’t pay attention to parts of it. I hope it comes out on Netflix soon. In the meantime, I’d like to thank you, our middle-aged followers, for being quiet in the theater, I appreciate it.

File Under Mr. Cool