posted by Joe Anaya on August 29th, 2011

We’ve all seem them, even snickered behind their backs. First there’s the little old man who hikes his pants up to his armpits. Like some misplaced penguin, they waddle around as if everything’s normal. Then there is the Pants-hang-low. These guys walk around with their trousers sliding down revealing the cycles of the moon. Both of them are oblivious to the fashions of the world at large, oh so I thought until I started gaining some weight around my mid-section. The truth was revealed.

It’s all about the waist and keeping your pants up. When I was younger, I had a clearly defined 32-inch waist. Just a few inches smaller than my hips and butt. Perfectly, suited for holding up my pants with or without a belt. But as the extra slices of pizza stuck around and my days of full-court wound down, my waist added a couple of inches, making visible the future need to choose between becoming a Penguin or a Moonie

Now it’s become clear, the Penguin uses the top of their ever-expanding gut as the Line of Demarcation because the bulge in the belly has now replaced the bulge of the buttocks as the widest part of the torso. Although practical, it just looks uncomfortable and down right special needs. On the other hand, the Moonies have given up on their waists but still let the pants hang from a reasonable starting spot. The problem is that this Maginot Line has nothing wider below it to hold the pants in place. Suspenders are an option, but they only work if you’re a Southern lawyer, college professor or lumberjack. So, there’s a constant battle with gravity to keep the pants where they belong. And let’s face it, gravity always wins and the rest of us lose as we are subjected to the hairy backside of this Quixotic effort.

Of course, the third option is to keep the circumference of my midsection under control. Say, “No” to the birthday cake. Say, “Yes” to a walk with the family. But really, is that going to happen? Maybe a Moonie wouldn’t be so bad, since I don’t have a “hairy” butt.

File Under Mr. Cool