We all know the moment our wife says those magic words, “I’ll be gone for a few days,” our minds reel with ideas of things to do the moment she walks out that door.
10. Head to the grocery store for foods your wife won’t let you eat: chocolate covered donuts, regular calorie beer, fully loaded salty chips. Ignore all warnings of MSG, poly-unsaturated, and partially-hydrogenated.
9. Check the TV schedule for any important games coming up. Championships, playoffs, big rivalries, whatever. Football, basketball, Xgames. Hell, I’ll even take the WNBA.
8. Order a meaty-meat meat-lovers pizza. No salad. No vegetables of any kind, except mushrooms and olives (I’m not even sure olives are vegetables.)
7. Wear pants as a last resort. Required when traveling to the grocery store to pick up more donuts; optional when paying for pizza delivery.
6. Netflix any movie that has Vin Diesel, Jet Li, or Jud Apatow’s name on it; or has the title of any combined animal like Sharktopus, Dino-croc or Piranha-saurus.
5. Create a Pandora station with Led Zepplin as the seed. Instantly thumbs down any song with a female voice, except Heart. And thumbs down any song with a banjo, no exceptions.
4. Stay up until you fall asleep on the couch. Then drag yourself to bed. Or don’t.
3. Sleep in late, very late.
2. Quickly do two of the easy things on your “honey do” list.
1. Act like you missed your wife when she returns.