posted by Matt W on May 16th, 2011

I recently celebrated another birthday. During the festivities, I opened my birthday present from my college age son knowing that he got me work-out shorts (I’m a dad, I always know). I’m a little confused when the package I open contains two large skirt-like objects with enough fabric to make 4 or 5 pairs of shorts a man might wear. “Did you mix up the packages and give me your mother’s skorts?”

Against my better judgment, I actually try these on and they are really, really, really, baggy work-out shorts that come down well past my knees.  Now, while I wasn’t a big fan of Bird and Magic battling it out in Daisy Dukes in the 80’s, I am likewise not enamored with every basketball team in America wearing shorts down past their knees.  But mostly, I am truly annoyed that I can’t walk into a sporting goods store and pick up a pair of shorts that hit somewhere between these two obnoxious extremes on my own legs.  I asked the clerk if he had shorts that 45-year-old men might wear and he directed me to some swimsuits that were shorter.

“Really? My only options now are swimsuits!”  I just wanted to confirm that there really wasn’t a pair of shorts in the store that will fit my big butt and didn’t come down past my knees.  Shockingly, not only were there not any, but the length of the inseam is actually called out on most brands proclaiming just how un-manlike the shorts truly are, “Our shorts have a 10” inseam”, “11” inseam guaranteed”.  Now, unless you’ve had a long career starring in adult movies, I wouldn’t think this would be a big selling feature but it is.  It should say, “If you want to look like your mom did in the 80’s with her knee length skirts, then this is the brand for you!”

The fact that I have to pay $40 for these shorts is another story altogether.  Seriously, get rid of half the fabric and charge me $20 and I’ll be on my mid-thigh lengthed way.

File Under Mr. Cool, Weekend Warrior